King Kong Movies, Ranked from Worst to Best

Two Fridays ago, saw the release of the latest King Kong movie, Kong: Skull Island. The movie ties into the Monster Universe that began with the last American Godzilla movie. It opened up to killer numbers. But, it is only the latest entry of one of the oldest monster franchises in cinema. Kong was very important to me  growing. Like Godzilla, he and his movies were essential to me growing up as a horror and monster fan. The following list ranks all of the official King Kong movies (IE no Kong rip-offs here), from the very worst to the best. So sit back an enjoy the giant monkey monster action!

ALL REVIEWS OUT OF 4 MONKEYS:

8. King Kong Lives- This sequel to the '76 remake is, quite frankly, one of the worst giant monster movies ever made. It is brain numbingly stupid and lame.

If you have ever wanted to see romance between two giant apes, this is the monkey turd for you!

After, falling off the World Trade Center, Kong somehow fucking survived. He has been in a coma for a decade. Linda Hamilton plays the doc who gives him a giant robot heart. He also gets a transfusion from the blood of a lady Kong, who he falls in love with. And, the evil and very stupid military want him dead.

 

 King Kong gets bloody and fucked up, in this one.

If that sounds bad, well it is. And, just wait till we find out that Lady Kong is knocked up! Featuring awful scenes where he romances her and uneven FX, it's the fucking pits. It does have a hilarious scene where Kong graphically rips an evil hilly-billy in two and swallows another one, though. That's worth something right?

Humans, especially evil ones, are yummy and nutritious!

1/2 a MONKEY

7. King Kong Vs. Godzilla- A return to the monster mashes of Universal Pictures of yore like, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf-Man, this is a decent enough flick, even if does not deliver as much of the goods as you may want it to.

Kong tries to get the King of the Monsters to eat his veggies.

The first color appearance of both beasts, the Big-G plays the baddie, with Kong as the hero. He's made much bigger here, to be able to battle Godzilla. They meet once earlier in the film, but the real battle is at the film's climax. And, it is pretty damn awesome! Too bad the rest of it somewhat of a snooze and the Kong suit is kinda lame.

Still, this is a right of passage for any monster lover. I do think the intended American remake could easily improve on it. If they don't fuck it up, of course.

2 MONKEYS

6. King Kong (1976)- The '76 version is sometimes unjustly maligned. Honestly, it's pretty decent. It is just wholly uneven. Some of the FX are terrible, others are awesome. The acting ranges from crap to good. One wishes Kong would fight more monsters, but he does have a rousing and bloody fight with a giant snake. Speaking of bloody, Kong's demise is righteously gory and actually emotional.

 

Man, that giant snake gets fucked up!

Probably the bloodiest of all the Kong deaths.

Jessica Lange is, arguably, the most beautiful of all of Kong's love interests. Sadly, this is her worst performance, ever. I don't know if this is really on the bright side, but she got kicked out of another boat cause she wouldn't watch Deep Throat with them. Maybe she wasn't a Linda Lovelace fan? Speaking of sexual stuff, she shows off more skin than any of the other Kong babes and is overall, a more sexual flicks than the other ones. That just adds to the humor and fun, I feel. And, the overall weird/ WTF feel to it all.

 

 Kong has excellent tastes in ladies!

2 1/2 MONKEYS

5. King Kong Escapes- The second and last Toho Kong flick, has him battling Mechani-Kong, his evil robot double. Thanks to a better pace than the King Kong Vs. Godzilla, I find this one more enjoyable. It is sometimes over looked. But, with a decent Universal Blu-ray release from a few years ago. It really shouldn't be.

Kong does look awful in this movie, though. As in, he looks cheap and really silly. But, hey he also fights Gorosaurus who would go on to appear in the fan favorite Destroy All Monsters!

3 MONKEYS

4. Son of Kong- Unlike the darker and more serious original, this one is pretty far from being a horror movie. It ain't great as that classic, but there is a certain charm to it. 

Monster always had Son of movies (Dracula, Frankenstein, the Blob, Gozilla), so why not Kong? A much better go around than the next time he would have offspring (see, or wait, DON'T see King Kong Lives), this one is sometimes forgotten. But, honestly it is very much worth your time. I can also see some of you ranking this one much higher, and I would be very understanding, if that is the case.

3 MONKEYS

 

3. King Kong (2005)- From a technical standpoint, Peter Jackson's take on Kong is superior than the movies up and until this point, on the list. Well, expect for some of the CGI, as it some is great (the battle with the T-Rexes is wild!), others not so much (that brontosaurs stampede sucks!).

 

The cast is pretty good, especially memorable is the beautiful Naomi Watts. Her relationship with Kong is touching. It is also clear that Jackson loves the original. Dead Alive fans will love the monkey reference in this movie. But... it is waaaaaay too long (the fact that there is a longer cut is insane!). And, some of the movie hasn't aged that well. I never feel like revisting this one, as it is never as great as it was on that first viewing in the movies.

3 MONKEYS (4 if you see it for the first time, in the movies)

2. Kong: Skull Island- Is this technically a better movie than Jackson's flick? No. But, it is more fun, and I can see myself watching this one a lot when I get it on Blu-ray. It's also more fun than the last American Godzilla flick (which I did like, BTW). The only real problem I have is that human characters suck. They are not very interesting. But, you will wanna see the bad ones die. 

Thankfully the pacing is fast and the FX are great. The monsters battles are violent and push the PG-13 rating, something that should be done more often. Shit, there is even an violent homage Cannibal Holocaust! My fellow, horror fans, let me know if you caught it! It should be noted that this is the first time that Kong does not fall in love. Even, though Brie Larson is a babe, he ain't interested in her that way. Maybe, when he battles Godzilla, next time, he will find his new blonde love?

Even if Kong doesn't love her in that way, I do!

3.5 MONKEYS

1. King Kong (1933)- Well, you knew this one would top the list. It is a fucking given, as this one of the greatest movies ever made. The FX still hold up. Rotten Tomatoes has it ranked as the greatest horror movie of all time.

It is really the only one in the franchise that is a true horror movie. The B&W cinematography adds a starkness and creepy feel to the exciting and scary dinosaur and monster attacks battles. Included among the scarier images is Kong eating and trampling natives, something that was cut from some releases many, many years ago. And, the beautiful Fay Wray is the greatest of all of Kong's love interests. All hail her, for she is horror's first scream queen!! Long story short the original King Kong is a perfect, masterpiece!

4 MONKEYS! (of course!)

Your rankings may well be different than mine. Let me know in the comments below, if they are! Or let me know if you totally agree with me. 

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The 10 Best Hard Rock/ Metal Songs to Listen to in a Blizzard

If you, like I, live in the East Coast, then you are seeing this shitty snow storm that we are getting.  With most transport dead or running really fucking bad, most of us are stuck inside. As much as this type of weather sucks, it has inspired some cool metal music. The following is a list of the 10 best songs to listen to in this awful snow. I kept it to one per band, otherwise, they would all be Immortal songs. Enjoy!

10. GWAR- "Pure as the Arctic Snow"- Hey, if your band's origin states that you come from the freezing world of Antarctica then you know you're gonna make this list! This is a fun, catchy, and punky little tune.

9. Autopsy- "In the Grip of Winter"- Slow, crunchy death metal song from these pioneering masters of the sub-genre. This one feels like blocks of ice that pelt your face hard, until your fucking skull caves in.

8. AC/DC- "Black Ice"- Actual black ice genuinely fucking sucks. This song, however, does not. A badass title track from this AC/DC album, it combines a great groove with ass kicking blues. The result is a great headbanger of a good time!

 

7. Trivium- "Silence in the Snow"- Melodic and catchy title track from the most recent Trivium album has the usual phenomenal musicianship this band is known for. Cool video, too!

6. Betray The Martyrs- ''Let It Go''- Totally ass kicking, metalcore cover of the most popular song off of the overrated Disney flick Frozen. Betray The Martyrs makes you want to get into the pit with this or possibly mosh in the snow.
Added bonus: If you moshed in the snow right now, there would probably be no one to think you are insane for doing so! Go do that shit, right now!

5. Dissection- "Frozen''- This song from black metal masters Dissection feels bitterly cold and distant. It bleeds a dark, evil, and lonely feel with melodic-ism and heaviness.

4. Accept- "Winter Dreams"- Arguably the most beautiful song on here, this underrated Accept ballad has a haunting and heart and soul felt feel that makes it one of the best tracks to listen on a frozen, winter night.

3. Metallica- "Trapped Under Ice"- From Metallica's second, and second best, album comes this lightning (pun not intended) fast all out assault on senses. This thrash metal classic almost topped this list, but honestly only two other bands could have done that.

 

2. Abbath- "Winter Bane"- When former Immortal frontman Abbath had his solo project you knew that there would be some songs about the cold and snow. This single off of the self-titled debut album highlights all that is awesome about one of last year's best albums. Thundering yet catchy black metal at it's fucking best and coldest!

 

1. Immortal- "In My Kingdom Cold''- Oh come on, you knew an Immortal song would be number one! Or at least you should've known! It was just a matter of which song from one of the best black metal bands ever would be chosen. In the end, I picked this blast(beat) of cold air. This IS the definitive blizzard/ snow storm/ winter nor'easter song!

What songs would add to this list? And, to those of you stuck in this craptastic weather, stay warm, safe, and metal!

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Monster-Mania March 2017

Yesterday, on March 11, 2017, my friend, and Master's Minion, Freddie and I hit Monster-Mania. It was unquestionably the most brutally cold MM, ever. Well, at least of the ones either of us have ever done. And, it should be noted that Freddie has done way more than me! It was also even more packed than usual thanks to John Cusack and the cast of Stranger Things. I didn't meet either or (although I am a HUGE Strangers  fan), but I did meet other celebs and do other fun stuff. Which resulted in us have one hell of a time!

The first person that I went up to was Amy Dumas, AKA Lita. The lovely WWE Hall of Famer was pretty cool and laid back in person. I got the autograph for my friend Alan, while I got the pic with her for myself.

The main autograph room was packed as fuck with fans, so we waited till later in the day to meet the rest of celebs. In that room, I first went up to Adam Green. He is the director of films like the Hatchet I & II, Frozen, and others. Adam is one of the nicest guys ever! He posed for pics for free and signed whatever you brought with you for free. I paid cause I bought season two of the awesome and terribly underrated Holliston, on Bluray, from off his table.

He talked to Freddie and me for a little bit and even told us about the horrors of shooting Hatchet III in a real swamp (bugs! bugs in butts! mosquito bites!)! I told him that I recently mentioned the amazing Hatchet II as one of the The 10 Best Slasher Movies You (Probably) Haven’t Seen. He was gracious about that, and is really, an all around awesome dude.

Kristy Swanson was really at the top of my list to must meet this weekend. Her line moved slow and she had to leave to do a photo-op. However, the wait to meet her was worth it! She is so sweet and nice in person, as well as drop-dead gorgeous! She still looks AMAZING! I was dorky enough to tell her that when I was a kid and saw Deadly Friend, that I totally got a major crush on her. She said, "Aww!"

Kristy signed my Deadly Friend DVD cover. She asked if I had the disc with me, but I had only bought the cover. I guess she would have signed the actual disc too? Don't know, but I am so happy to have met her!

 Now, let's look at some of the awesome cosplay that I saw in that room:

 I get killed by Jason, a lot, don't I?

 

Later in the day, I stopped by Troma and got a pic with Lloyd Kaufman and the Troma team! As usual there were some beautiful Tromettes on hand at the con.

I am most happy about the fact that I got to run into my friend, adult performer and horror actress, the drop-dead gorgeous and hot as fucking hell Nadia White! I was a little worried that I would miss her, but that obviously didn't happen. Nadia is so fun, sexy, and bubbly in person, that she really always brightens the mood where ever is at. So, that despite the fact that by this point I was exhausted, I was very feeling joyful, all of a sudden. She had a mold of her butt-hole with, which is pretty fucking hot, needless to say. She told me about all the porn stuff she has lined up. All I will say is that she is one busy, hard working, and naughty babe! You gotta love her!

As I said earlier, we had a fucking blast. It was a great time, that was, for me, quite frankly needed. Great to meet celebs and run into friends. Including, among them was one that I had been friends with forever on Facebook, Elizabeth who runs Archivists Bet on Sexy Witches and The Halloween Horror Movie Marathon Madness over on FB. 

I also picked up some cool swag, of course: 
A Funko Pop Predator (which is apparently getting harder to find)
Blu-rays of: the aforementioned autographed Holliston season two
Turkey Shoot (AKA Escape 2000) from Severin
and, I FINALLY own Shout Factory Death Wish II Special Edition which features the long unavailable (in the US) unrated cut of it, which I bought of off the Diabolik DVD booth.
And, finally from Fright-Rags I got a tee of my favorite movie of all time, Re-Animator and a air of Frankenberry socks!

Did of you guys go to Monster-Mania? Who did you meet and what did you buy? Let me know in the comments, below.

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Horror Crush: Monika M.

Having caught up on writing for work, it's time to do a little original writing for my site. And, what better way than to pay love to a horror crush? This time around, I show love to one of the sexiest women in extreme horror history: Monika M.!

The gorgeous Monika M.'s first and most famous, as well as infamous role, came in Jorg Buttgereit's Nekromantik 2 (1991). A direct sequel to his own controversial and repulsive art-house/ cult classic, part 2 takes place shortly after the ending. Those of you who saw it will recall that that film's whacked-out necrophile killed himself via harikari, after which his dick shot semen and blood! Anyways, the beautiful Monika (Monika M.) digs him up for her own necrophiliac desires. When she meets a nice guy, named Mark (Mark Reeder), who does ADR (Automated Dialogue Recording) for porn flicks. She likes him, but she is more turn on by a rotting corpse. Can she keep this putrid secret from him and will this relationship work?

Very rarely do I think I sequel is better than its' first movie. However, Nekromantik 2 is just that. It's easier to enjoy, but will still disgust just about anyone who doesn't have a taste for the twisted and perverse. Monika is a big reason why I prefer this movie. Yes, it terribly slow at times and stock footage of a dead seal getting sliced up is repugnant and unnecessary. But, the film overall flows better and is more interesting. Monika, though, it what really makes much of the movie worth sitting through. She is quite good in her role. And, honestly, it's very easy to like her, despite her desire for decomposing pricks. Like? I mean fall in love with her.

And, let's not beat around the bush (pun not intended). She is fucking gorgeous! And, she is at times also naked. Her body is perfect. I remain in awe each time I pop this movie into my Blu-ray player.

 

  

She also composed some of the music for this puketastic flick, like the beautiful song below. It plays in such contrast to extreme and vile nature of the movie. In many ways, it accompanies and plays perfectly with Monika's own inherit beauty.

She returned for another Buttergereit flick Schramm: Into the Mind of a Serial Killer (1993). I sadly never saw this but, I know it still very much an extreme horror piece. She, of course, looks great. Any of you out there saw this one?

Finally, she appears in the documentary about Buttergeriet's movies, Corpse Fucking Art (1987). But, I haven't see that either! What the fuck is wrong with me? I know I deserve a major fail for these fuck ups.

I really wish there were movies with Monika M. in them, as she is perfect! Those beautiful eyes of her, her gorgeous hair, her sexy and beautiful body, it all just makes any horror fan fall for her. Without a shadow of a doubt, Monika M. ranks among the most beautiful and hottest women in European horror. And, dear readers and friends is NO small feat. And, so it is with great honor and love that I add Monika M. to this site's Horror Crushes!

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Kay Brandt Ventures into Mainstream Horror with ''Cutters''

I recently guest write-up over at Covered by Saintilus/ Go United. There I talked about porn filmmaker/ author Kay Brandt's venture into horror movies. You can read that here: https://coveredbysaintilus.blogspot.com/2017/03/kay-brandt-ventures-into-mainstream.html

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15 Thrash Metal Albums That You Need In Your Collection

My latest article from Monkeys Fighting Robots, where I choose the 15 Thrash Metal Albums That You Need In Your Collection. Please read it here: http://www.monkeysfightingrobots.com/15-thrash-metal-albums-need-collection/

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