Friday the 13th: Ranked from Worst to Best

On Monday the 13th, Shout Factory, the horror/ cult division of Shout Factory (of course!), announced pre-orders, for what promises to be a killer Friday the 13th box set. I debated back and forth getting it, but in the end I caved in. And, I feel I made the right choice. Anyway, with that in mind, I figured it would be fun and the right time, to rank the entire series, something I last did with King Kong. So, here we go with the biggest (thus far) slasher series in horror, from the very worst entry all the way to the best one!

ALL REVIEWS OUT 4 HOCKEY MASKS

12. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)- Man, is this movie ever a disappointing piece of shit. Even if you discount the fact that it barely takes place in Manhattan (most of which is actually Canada!), and instead is in a fucking boat, you still have other issues. It is painfully stupid and filled with character you could give a flying fuck about. It doesn't even have any real gore to speak of, being terribly weak in terms of bloodletting. It also has a shitty ending. I will say this about it though, the actual Manhattan scenes are cool, the theme song is great, the girls are HOT, especially Sharlene (Tamara) Martin and Kelly (Eva) Hu, the doggie is cute, and Kane Hodder is always a great Jason. This is about all the praise this turd will get from me though.
1 1/2 HOCKEY MASKS

11. Friday the 13th (2009)- The first time I saw this remake, I enjoyed it. But, each viewing since then has gotten worse than the last. One of the problems is the flat directing. While the film looks nice there is little to no suspense. Scenes drag out longer than they need to be. This really becomes clear in the Jason and his underground lair moments. Also, why the fuck does he even have one in the first fucking place? While, violent, the movie isn't that gory, but there are still some inspired moments. That being said, the acting is solid (including Supernatural's Jared Padalecki) and the female cast is hotter than hell itself! Included in this is Juliana Guilll's awesome topless scene, which ranks among the best skin moments in the entire franchise. Also, Derek Mears is one of the best Jasons ever!
2 HOCKEY MASKS

10. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)- Admit ably I used to like this one more when I was in college. But, I still think it's better than what some say it is. It has some major problems, don't get me wrong. The movie heavily rips off of the vastly superior sci-fi/ horror/ action flick The Hidden, and the lack of seeing Jason commit the kills is awful. But, it has what might well be the finest gore in the entire franchise, including the spectacular scene where a smoking hot brunette is riding her boyfriend, gets impaled, then split open. And, speaking of girls this one has some really hot ones! Plus, the ending is really cool.  And, Hodder, even in limited bits, is always awesome.
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS

9. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)- Here is another one that I liked a more when I was younger, in this case an actual kid. You see it's one of the first R-rated horror movies, I ever caught outside of their TV edited versions. But, admit ably it is really fucking stupid. The ending, in particular, is fucking ridiculous. And, it suffers A LOT from the butchering hands of the MPAA, who seriously hamper every single kill. In spite of this, the movie is fun. The idea of telekinetic teen Tina (say that 5 times fast!), who is played by the gorgeous Lar Park Lincoln, battling Jason makes for a cool time. Tina also happens to be one of my favorite final girls in the series. And, she and bitchy Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan) are two of my biggest F13 crushes. Though, there are quite a bit of other hotties in this one. Plus, Kane Hodder makes his awesome debut as Jason, in what is THE character's best look, EVER!
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS


8. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)- Again, this movie is for accounts and purposes stupid as fuck. It is actually pretty hilarious in its stupidity. But, it also has a nice mean spirited side that makes for some nasty albeit quick kills. The girls are hot as ever, including, but not limited to, Debi Sue Voorhees (and her incredible boobs) and Melanie Kinnaman (who is THE hottest of all the F13 final girls, in my humble opinion). I also enjoy the Tommy Jarvis story-line, and unlike those that love to bitch and moan, like the idea of a fake Jason.
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS

5. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)- This one sometimes gets a bit overrated by fans hung up on Jason finally doing the killings. And, while, sack-head Jason is easily his creepiest look, the movie, itself, is strictly by the numbers and generic. The gore is horribly chopped up by the MPAA, making the kills lack any of the real punch that they may have had. Still, the girls are super hot, especially Lauren-Marie Taylor (probably in my top F13th crushes) and Kristen Baker (that ass in THOSE shorts!). The lovely Amy Steel is one of the best final girls, anywhere. And, finally the climax is pretty exciting and well done.
3 HOCKEY MASKS


6. Jason X (2001)- Someone is bound to bitch about this one being so high, but I think it is a blast. It's dumb for sure, I mean it's Jason in fucking space for crissakes! But, there in lies the good times. The girls are freaking insanely hot. Uber-Jason is awesome. And, speaking of Jason, Hodder is always a pleasure to see (this is his best F13 flick, me thinks). I LOVE the David Cronenberg cameo! Jason battling sexy android Kay-Em is one of my favorite things in the series. And, the frozen face smash of the gorgeous Kristi Angus is one of the coolest kills ever in the series.
3 HOCKEY MASKS

5. Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (1982)- This movie is kind of a drag at first. And, the character of Shelly is one of the most insufferable nerds ever in a slasher. But, it does deliver the goods in other ways. First off, I think it works best in 3D (even if its in a crappy 3D version). Secondly, the girls, all brunettes might I add, are HOT! Some of the kills are cool, especially the dude who gets chopped through the crotch while walking on his hands. But, its the KILLER climax (one of the series absolute best) that really gains the movie it's fifth place in my book.
3 HOCKEY MASKS

4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)- Of course, it is NOT the final chapter, though, it would've been quite fine if it had been. The pacing is well done here, and Tommy makes for a relatable kid (likes monsters and seeing girls naked, that's little me!). Some of THE hottest girls in the entire series are here, including TWINS! This one has the best gore (thank you, Tom Savini!) in the whole Paramount years, including the best and bloodiest death by Jason (THAT slide down a machete!). The climax kicks ass and is also highlighted by Kimberly Beck in a miniskirt.
3 HOCKEY MASKS

3. Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)- Over on my list of The 25 Most Underrated/ Overlooked Sequels, I discussed just why this one is so good. If you want to read my thoughts go here. Suffice to say this, it has flaws, no doubt about it. But, it is also a lot of fun, nice looking, gory, has cool music, and hot girls. And, of course, we get to see Freddy and Jason battle!
3.5 HOCKEY MASKS

2. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)- Look there is no doubt in my mind that this is the best of all the F13 sequels. It is also one of the best slasher flicks of the second half of the 80s. I share more of my thoughts of why it is so good in here in my list of The 30 Best Horror Movie Sequels Ever.
3.5 HOCKEY MASKS

1. Friday the 13th (1980)-  To me, this is the only choice that can top this list. None of the sequels, even the best ones, come close to this one, as it is one of the greatest slashers ever and best horror films of the 80s. Their is a lot of rehashing in the following movies, but while this borrows from Halloween, it does it well. The movie, yes is gory (incredible work from Tom Savini!), but there is an emphasis on suspense, something lacking from all the other films here. This makes the movie actually scary, something, that again none of the other movies can claim to be (unless you are like five years old). The climax is absolutely smashing, violent, and intense and leads to one of the greatest endings in the entire horror genre. An influential, important, and excellent classic, that shall forever remain one of my personal favorites.
4 HOCKEY MASKS

How would you rank the franchise? Did you pre-order the Scream Factory box-set? Why or why not? Also, what other horror franchises would you like to see me rank? Let me know in the comments section below. And, don't be surprised if you see more Friday the 13th posts in the days, weeks, and months to come!

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King Kong Movies, Ranked from Worst to Best

Two Fridays ago, saw the release of the latest King Kong movie, Kong: Skull Island. The movie ties into the Monster Universe that began with the last American Godzilla movie. It opened up to killer numbers. But, it is only the latest entry of one of the oldest monster franchises in cinema. Kong was very important to me  growing. Like Godzilla, he and his movies were essential to me growing up as a horror and monster fan. The following list ranks all of the official King Kong movies (IE no Kong rip-offs here), from the very worst to the best. So sit back an enjoy the giant monkey monster action!

ALL REVIEWS OUT OF 4 MONKEYS:

8. King Kong Lives- This sequel to the '76 remake is, quite frankly, one of the worst giant monster movies ever made. It is brain numbingly stupid and lame.

If you have ever wanted to see romance between two giant apes, this is the monkey turd for you!

After, falling off the World Trade Center, Kong somehow fucking survived. He has been in a coma for a decade. Linda Hamilton plays the doc who gives him a giant robot heart. He also gets a transfusion from the blood of a lady Kong, who he falls in love with. And, the evil and very stupid military want him dead.

 

 King Kong gets bloody and fucked up, in this one.

If that sounds bad, well it is. And, just wait till we find out that Lady Kong is knocked up! Featuring awful scenes where he romances her and uneven FX, it's the fucking pits. It does have a hilarious scene where Kong graphically rips an evil hilly-billy in two and swallows another one, though. That's worth something right?

Humans, especially evil ones, are yummy and nutritious!

1/2 a MONKEY

7. King Kong Vs. Godzilla- A return to the monster mashes of Universal Pictures of yore like, Frankenstein Meets the Wolf-Man, this is a decent enough flick, even if does not deliver as much of the goods as you may want it to.

Kong tries to get the King of the Monsters to eat his veggies.

The first color appearance of both beasts, the Big-G plays the baddie, with Kong as the hero. He's made much bigger here, to be able to battle Godzilla. They meet once earlier in the film, but the real battle is at the film's climax. And, it is pretty damn awesome! Too bad the rest of it somewhat of a snooze and the Kong suit is kinda lame.

Still, this is a right of passage for any monster lover. I do think the intended American remake could easily improve on it. If they don't fuck it up, of course.

2 MONKEYS

6. King Kong (1976)- The '76 version is sometimes unjustly maligned. Honestly, it's pretty decent. It is just wholly uneven. Some of the FX are terrible, others are awesome. The acting ranges from crap to good. One wishes Kong would fight more monsters, but he does have a rousing and bloody fight with a giant snake. Speaking of bloody, Kong's demise is righteously gory and actually emotional.

 

Man, that giant snake gets fucked up!

Probably the bloodiest of all the Kong deaths.

Jessica Lange is, arguably, the most beautiful of all of Kong's love interests. Sadly, this is her worst performance, ever. I don't know if this is really on the bright side, but she got kicked out of another boat cause she wouldn't watch Deep Throat with them. Maybe she wasn't a Linda Lovelace fan? Speaking of sexual stuff, she shows off more skin than any of the other Kong babes and is overall, a more sexual flicks than the other ones. That just adds to the humor and fun, I feel. And, the overall weird/ WTF feel to it all.

 

 Kong has excellent tastes in ladies!

2 1/2 MONKEYS

5. King Kong Escapes- The second and last Toho Kong flick, has him battling Mechani-Kong, his evil robot double. Thanks to a better pace than the King Kong Vs. Godzilla, I find this one more enjoyable. It is sometimes over looked. But, with a decent Universal Blu-ray release from a few years ago. It really shouldn't be.

Kong does look awful in this movie, though. As in, he looks cheap and really silly. But, hey he also fights Gorosaurus who would go on to appear in the fan favorite Destroy All Monsters!

3 MONKEYS

4. Son of Kong- Unlike the darker and more serious original, this one is pretty far from being a horror movie. It ain't great as that classic, but there is a certain charm to it. 

Monster always had Son of movies (Dracula, Frankenstein, the Blob, Gozilla), so why not Kong? A much better go around than the next time he would have offspring (see, or wait, DON'T see King Kong Lives), this one is sometimes forgotten. But, honestly it is very much worth your time. I can also see some of you ranking this one much higher, and I would be very understanding, if that is the case.

3 MONKEYS

 

3. King Kong (2005)- From a technical standpoint, Peter Jackson's take on Kong is superior than the movies up and until this point, on the list. Well, expect for some of the CGI, as it some is great (the battle with the T-Rexes is wild!), others not so much (that brontosaurs stampede sucks!).

 

The cast is pretty good, especially memorable is the beautiful Naomi Watts. Her relationship with Kong is touching. It is also clear that Jackson loves the original. Dead Alive fans will love the monkey reference in this movie. But... it is waaaaaay too long (the fact that there is a longer cut is insane!). And, some of the movie hasn't aged that well. I never feel like revisting this one, as it is never as great as it was on that first viewing in the movies.

3 MONKEYS (4 if you see it for the first time, in the movies)

2. Kong: Skull Island- Is this technically a better movie than Jackson's flick? No. But, it is more fun, and I can see myself watching this one a lot when I get it on Blu-ray. It's also more fun than the last American Godzilla flick (which I did like, BTW). The only real problem I have is that human characters suck. They are not very interesting. But, you will wanna see the bad ones die. 

Thankfully the pacing is fast and the FX are great. The monsters battles are violent and push the PG-13 rating, something that should be done more often. Shit, there is even an violent homage Cannibal Holocaust! My fellow, horror fans, let me know if you caught it! It should be noted that this is the first time that Kong does not fall in love. Even, though Brie Larson is a babe, he ain't interested in her that way. Maybe, when he battles Godzilla, next time, he will find his new blonde love?

Even if Kong doesn't love her in that way, I do!

3.5 MONKEYS

1. King Kong (1933)- Well, you knew this one would top the list. It is a fucking given, as this one of the greatest movies ever made. The FX still hold up. Rotten Tomatoes has it ranked as the greatest horror movie of all time.

It is really the only one in the franchise that is a true horror movie. The B&W cinematography adds a starkness and creepy feel to the exciting and scary dinosaur and monster attacks battles. Included among the scarier images is Kong eating and trampling natives, something that was cut from some releases many, many years ago. And, the beautiful Fay Wray is the greatest of all of Kong's love interests. All hail her, for she is horror's first scream queen!! Long story short the original King Kong is a perfect, masterpiece!

4 MONKEYS! (of course!)

Your rankings may well be different than mine. Let me know in the comments below, if they are! Or let me know if you totally agree with me. 

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