7/18/2020

Friday the 13th: Ranked from Worst to Best


On Monday the 13th, Shout Factory, the horror/ cult division of Shout Factory (of course!), announced pre-orders, for what promises to be a killer Friday the 13th box set. I debated back and forth getting it, but in the end I caved in. And, I feel I made the right choice. Anyway, with that in mind, I figured it would be fun and the right time, to rank the entire series, something I last did with King Kong. So, here we go with the biggest (thus far) slasher series in horror, from the very worst entry all the way to the best one!

ALL REVIEWS OUT 4 HOCKEY MASKS

12. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)- Man, is this movie ever a disappointing piece of shit. Even if you discount the fact that it barely takes place in Manhattan (most of which is actually Canada!), and instead is in a fucking boat, you still have other issues. It is painfully stupid and filled with character you could give a flying fuck about. It doesn't even have any real gore to speak of, being terribly weak in terms of bloodletting. It also has a shitty ending. I will say this about it though, the actual Manhattan scenes are cool, the theme song is great, the girls are HOT, especially Sharlene (Tamara) Martin and Kelly (Eva) Hu, the doggie is cute, and Kane Hodder is always a great Jason. This is about all the praise this turd will get from me though.
1 1/2 HOCKEY MASKS

11. Friday the 13th (2009)- The first time I saw this remake, I enjoyed it. But, each viewing since then has gotten worse than the last. One of the problems is the flat directing. While the film looks nice there is little to no suspense. Scenes drag out longer than they need to be. This really becomes clear in the Jason and his underground lair moments. Also, why the fuck does he even have one in the first fucking place? While, violent, the movie isn't that gory, but there are still some inspired moments. That being said, the acting is solid (including Supernatural's Jared Padalecki) and the female cast is hotter than hell itself! Included in this is Juliana Gil's awesome topless scene, which ranks among the best skin moments in the entire franchise. Also, Derek Mears is one of the best Jasons ever!
2 HOCKEY MASKS

10. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)- Admit ably I used to like this one more when I was in college. But, I still think it's better than what some say it is. It has some major problems, don't get me wrong. The movie heavily rips off of the vastly superior sci-fi/ horror/ action flick The Hidden, and the lack of seeing Jason commit the kills is awful. But, it has what might well be the finest gore in the entire franchise, including the spectacular scene where a smoking hot brunette is riding her boyfriend, gets impaled, then split open. And, speaking of girls this one has some really hot ones! Plus, the ending is really cool.  And, Hodder, even in limited bits, is always awesome.
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS

9. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)- Here is another one that I liked a more when I was younger, in this case an actual kid. You see it's one of the first R-rated horror movies, I ever caught outside of their TV edited versions. But, admit ably it is really fucking stupid. The ending, in particular, is fucking ridiculous. And, it suffers A LOT from the butchering hands of the MPAA, who seriously hamper every single kill. In spite of this, the movie is fun. The idea of telekinetic teen Tina (say that 5 times fast!), who is played by the gorgeous Lar Park Lincoln, battling Jason makes for a cool time. Tina also happens to be one of my favorite final girls in the series. And, she and bitchy Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan) are two of my biggest F13 crushes. Though, there are quite a bit of other hotties in this one. Plus, Kane Hodder makes his awesome debut as Jason, in what is THE character's best look, EVER!
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS


8. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)- Again, this movie is for accounts and purposes stupid as fuck. It is actually pretty hilarious in its stupidity. But, it also has a nice mean spirited side that makes for some nasty albeit quick kills. The girls are hot as ever, including, but not limited to, Debi Sue Voorhees (and her incredible boobs) and Melanie Kinnaman (who is THE hottest of all the F13 final girls, in my humble opinion). I also enjoy the Tommy Jarvis story-line, and unlike those that love to bitch and moan, like the idea of a fake Jason.
2.5 HOCKEY MASKS

5. Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)- This one sometimes gets a bit overrated by fans hung up on Jason finally doing the killings. And, while, sack-head Jason is easily his creepiest look, the movie, itself, is strictly by the numbers and generic. The gore is horribly chopped up by the MPAA, making the kills lack any of the real punch that they may have had. Still, the girls are super hot, especially Lauren-Marie Taylor (probably in my top F13th crushes) and Kristen Baker (that ass in THOSE shorts!). The lovely Amy Steel is one of the best final girls, anywhere. And, finally the climax is pretty exciting and well done.
3 HOCKEY MASKS


6. Jason X (2001)- Someone is bound to bitch about this one being so high, but I think it is a blast. It's dumb for sure, I mean it's Jason in fucking space for crissakes! But, there in lies the good times. The girls are freaking insanely hot. Uber-Jason is awesome. And, speaking of Jason, Hodder is always a pleasure to see (this is his best F13 flick, me thinks). I LOVE the David Cronenberg cameo! Jason battling sexy android Kay-Em is one of my favorite things in the series. And, the frozen face smash of the gorgeous Kristi Angus is one of the coolest kills ever in the series.
3 HOCKEY MASKS



5. Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D (1982)- This movie is kind of a drag at first. And, the character of Shelly is one of the most insufferable nerds ever in a slasher. But, it does deliver the goods in other ways. First off, I think it works best in 3D (even if its in a crappy 3D version). Secondly, the girls, all brunettes might I add, are HOT! Some of the kills are cool, especially the dude who gets chopped through the crotch while walking on his hands. But, its the KILLER climax (one of the series absolute best) that really gains the movie it's fifth place in my book.
3 HOCKEY MASKS



4. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984)- Of course, it is NOT the final chapter, though, it would've been quite fine if it had been. The pacing is well done here, and Tommy makes for a relatable kid (likes monsters and seeing girls naked, that's little me!). Some of THE hottest girls in the entire series are here, including TWINS! This one has the best gore (thank you, Tom Savini!) in the whole Paramount years, including the best and bloodiest death by Jason (THAT slide down a machete!). The climax kicks ass and is also highlighted by Kimberly Beck in a miniskirt.
3.5 HOCKEY MASKS



3. Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)- Over on my list of The 25 Most Underrated/ Overlooked Sequels, I discussed just why this one is so good. If you want to read my thoughts go here. Suffice to say this, it has flaws, no doubt about it. But, it is also a lot of fun, nice looking, gory, has cool music, and hot girls. And, of course, we get to see Freddy and Jason battle!
3.5 HOCKEY MASKS

2. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)- Look there is no doubt in my mind that this is the best of all the F13 sequels. It is also one of the best slasher flicks of the second half of the 80s. I share more of my thoughts of why it is so good in here in my list of The 30 Best Horror Movie Sequels Ever.
3.5 HOCKEY MASKS

1. Friday the 13th (1980)-  To me, this is the only choice that can top this list. None of the sequels, even the best ones, come close to this one, as it is one of the greatest slashers ever and best horror films of the 80s. Their is a lot of rehashing in the following movies, but while this borrows from Halloween, it does it well. The movie, yes is gory (incredible work from Tom Savini!), but there is an emphasis on suspense, something lacking from all the other films here. This makes the movie actually scary, something, that again none of the other movies can claim to be (unless you are like five years old). The climax is absolutely smashing, violent, and intense and leads to one of the greatest endings in the entire horror genre. An influential, important, and excellent classic, that shall forever remain one of my personal favorites.
4 HOCKEY MASKS

How would you rank the franchise? Did you pre-order the Scream Factory box-set? Why or why not? Also, what other horror franchises would you like to see me rank? Let me know in the comments section below. And, don't be surprised if you see more Friday the 13th posts in the days, weeks, and months to come!

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