Life Lessons from Horror Movies

Many like to pick on the horror genre mentioning all the supposed negative aspects of the genre. I, though, find that there are many great life lessons to be learned. Don't believe me? Read on, and you will see for yourself!

Help!- For example, if you need help, DO NOT ask a scary German guy for help. As seen in last year's Human Centipede, he'll sew you ass to mouth, with at least two other people attached to you. And, well that just can't be fun.








Love & Zombies- We can also learn important tips on dating zombies. But, wait you say, there aren't any zombies in real life. Well, what about when the zombie apocalypse takes place, huh? Your gonna have to get some ass anyway, you can. Thank God, these movies can teach us what to do when in a relationship with the living dead. If you happen to have casual sex with a hot zombie chick be sure to, as Skid Row say in their song, tell 'em to "Get the fuck out!". Otherwise, as BurningAngel's horror/ porno Re-Penetrator teaches us, they rip you apart and eat you! On the bright side, he does die with, mostly, a smile, I suppose.

But, when in a serious relationship with a zombie, as seen in the classic Return of the Living Dead Pt. 3, you will have to deal with her cutting herself. But, on the bright side she'll have her tits out in the open! Of course, in the end you'll see that ultimately you'll have to kill yourself with her. Which while it maybe romantically tragic, it certainly doesn't do you any good whatsoever!

But, what if your crush, who doesn't know you have feelings for her, suddenly becomes a zombie? The answer to what to do can be found in the indie-horror flick Make Out with Violence. Anyways, you can take care of by keeping her in your friends room, changing her clothing, and keeping her in the bathtub. Feeding her live rats is also a good idea, but I think it would totally kill the mood! Still, you gotta feed her flesh eating desires somehow! This will eventually lead to bad shit, for sure, but hey, beggars can't be choosers!

Lava Lamps & Satan- I bet you didn't know this, but Satan lives in a lava lamp! Don't believe me? Well, then you clearly have not seen John Carpenter's highly enjoyable Prince of Darkness, and if you have seen it, then you ain't paying attention. Not only does the Lord of Flies live in one, but he can control bugs and bums! Plus, he spreads his evil though slime! So, next time you go to a friend's house and see that he/ she has a lava lamp, be careful! It might possess you and make you try and kill people researching the occult at some old church!

Ballet- I once thought that the only thing bad about the ballet is that it can put you to fucking sleep. But, I was wrong! Two great horror movies, thought me this. First off, Argento's classic Suspiria teaches us that a ballet school might be run by witches; who kill those who stand in their way. Their head witch can even bring the fucking dead back to life!! Shit!! That's scarier than freaking detention!

Of course, that's not the only issue here. Even if your school is not run by witches you might just go fucking insane! Last year's amazing psychological horror flick Black Swan warned us about this. You'll keep going more and more whacky, but it's not all bad. You do get to have hot lesbian fantasies about Mila Kunis! It's just the stuff that happens before and after that won't be fun! I guess you gotta take the good with bad!



So, there you have it. Horrors films are actually more educational about life than Sesame Street ever could be!

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The Best Horror/ Exploitation Trailers Vol. 1

I'm a HUGE fan of trailer collections like the 42nd Street Forever series. To me the old school trailers are an art-form long lost. Back in the day, gore and nudity was happily showcased in them. The narration was awesome. And, sometimes these trailers out-shined the movies being advertised.

I hope to post more volumes as times passes, for now here is the first batch. Each is followed by my thoughts. Hope you enjoy my picks (please note: they are in NO particular order whatsoever)



This might be my all time fav trailer. The narration is awesome! "But, you cannot escape from Suspiria!" "The only thing more terrifying than the last 10 min of Suspiria are the first 92!" That's fucking classic right there! As, is the skull coming her hair and the breathing title letters. This , by the way, is my all time fav Argento film. A remake from the director of Pineapple Express is STILL threatened. God, please help us all and don't let it happen!



This controversial and infamous cult fav really knows how to sell itself. While, it is said to be vaguely inspired by true events, this movie is, I'm pretty sure, far from the actual truth. But, the trailer makes this film sound as morbid as they come. The nudity and gore shown in it is a reminder of a day gone by. Love the last line in it. The movie itself is OK. I actually enjoyed it more the second time around, though it suffers from pacing problems. The blu-ray release to this, by the way, is simply amazing. Get it!



This most recent of this group of trailers. I love it cause it promises (and the movie delivers) lots of action and kick ass stuff. "But it's gonna be one hell of a night!" Great line! Plus, the use of the Aliens score is all win, in my book. This remains my fav Rodriguez movie and my fav movie that Tarantino has anything to do with.



Here is another trailer that claims that it did happen, in real life. While director Meir Zarchi did say he was inspired by something, he saw in his life, this film, itself never really occurred. Nor those the movie, itself, claim that it does. The way the narrator says the title of the movie is just awesome. The movie has never lost it's power to shock and disturb. A flawed and mean-spirited classic all the way.



Wes Craven's debut movie remains a disturbing and shocking classic. This trailer is so fucking good! The "It's only a movie" campaign is fucking classic. Considering how brutal this one is, for once, it actually delivers fully on what it says.



I actually never seen Snuff. From what I hear I am NOT missing much. But, maybe some day I will see it. But, I just LOVE the trailer. First off, any trailer, or movie, for that matter that opens up with a warning is just plain awesome. Why don't movies do that nowadays? Anyways, the best line in it is "This could only be made in South America where life is cheap". HAHAHA! That's fucking priceless right there!

So, what did you think of my picks? Are there any you would like to see in a future installment? Let me know! Till then, go see these movies, themselves!

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10 Awesome Gore Scenes, Vol. 1

Ahh, a good gore scene is always gonna make for a memorable moment in a movie, isn't it? This is a new, semi-regular post I am adding to this blog where I pick ten awesome gore scenes (duh!) and post them here.

Note that these films are in NO particular order whatsoever, nor are they meant to be. Whenever possible, I will post pics or the actual scene, if I can't get it, sorry. Go see the movie yourself to see it. Which, you really should regardless, of anything else.

WARNING: Spoilers are present. Anyways, sit back and enjoy the blood flow and carnage!

1. Friday the 13th (1980)- This is the best kill in the original, which remains one of the best slasher movies, ever made. A young Kevin Bacon gets an arrow through his neck after fucking some hottie and smoking weed. Oh yeah, this is the uncut version of that kill, which we finally got to see in the DVD released earlier this year.


2. Dawn of the Dead (1979)- Like the aforementioned Friday the 13th, this one has excellent FX work by Tom Savini. This scene where a dude opens up the door only to get his head blown off by a shotgun is one of the best exploding heads ever!

3. Ichi the Killer (2001) - One of the best movies from shock-master Takashi Miike this masterpiece has many gruesome moments, though the most shocking comes in the form of a women who has her nipples sliced off. It's a harrowing scene in a highly controversial classic.

4. Alien (1979)- Often ripped-off horror/ sci-fi movie has this often ripped off classic moment. One of the greatest gore scenes ever as a dude has a little alien come out of chest while eating. Fun times!


5. I Spit on Your Grave (1978)- Controversial rape-revenge film is one of the most disturbing movies I ever seen. This classic moment where a scumbag rapist gets his dick chopped off in the bath by the victim is one of the best and most unforgettable moments in the film. Not to mention utterly painful to watch!

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)- Wes Craven's highly original creepy classic has some really great moments, but the best part has to be when a young Johnny Depp is killed in his bed and geyser of blood erupts! Messy!


7. Jaws (1975)- To me this is Spielberg's best film. Quint is my favorite character in the movie so it does suck when he dies, but he does die in a truly memorable and utterly vicious manner as the deadly great white chomps on the bottom half of his body.

8. The Devil's Rejects (2005)- Rob Zombie's modern classic is pretty fucking hard for a mainstream release and this scene where a pretty girl seemingly escapes the psychotic family only to get splattered by a truck is pretty fucked up!

9. Vampyres (1974)- This cult fav is the single best erotic-horror film ever made. This scene where our lovely, lesbian vamps share a victim's blood is both highly erotic and sexy, as well as bloody and violent! The ultimate mix of sex and violence!

10. Suspiria (1977)- Argento's best film has one of the best murder scenes ever, in the history of cinema as TWO pretty girls are killed in a vicious, jaw dropping scene accompanied by amazing music by the Goblins.


And, that's it for now! Tell me what you think of these picks and if there are any gore scenes you would like to see mentioned here, in the next volume.

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The Top 10 Horror Films of the '70s

The second part of my list of the top horror films of each era to the present take us to my favorite time in movies, and I don't just not just in horror films: the 1970's. This time period represented a bold new era in cinema with movies reaching new levels of sexuality and graphic violence. The movies of this era broke new ground, and in some cases, are still not topped. There is a certain attitude that the films of this decade that sets them apart from others. Whatever the case might be, this was the most fun list for me to do.

10. - Dario Argento's gallio remains the best in the sub-genre. With an excellent score by The Goblins, great acting, and the memorable murders, this remains one of the finest fright films to ever come out of Italy. And, speaking of murders, this film has one of the most brutal dental assaults, ever caught on celluloid. Argento's style is also mesmerizing with his camera swooping, moving, tightening in everywhere. A masterpiece of gore, suspense, and style.

9. - David Cronenberg really hit the mark with this smart, horrifying, and shocking tale of a woman who manifests her anger in her mutant children, her "brood". The great acting coupled with the horrific gore and smart script make this one work to perfection.

8. - Richard Donner's wonderfully Satanic masterpiece has one of the best and truly scariest scores ever made. The kid is also effectively creepy, and Gregory Peck is a great hero. The creative deaths are very memorable, in particular the slow-mo decapitation with the head spinning in the air, which ranks as one of the greatest deaths in film history.

7. - the definitive lesbian vampire, this is also the most well done mix of eroticism and graphic horror. Both lead women are stunningly beautiful, though my tastes lean more towards Marianne Morris (the brunette). Regardless, the scenes of these beauties killing, making out, and sharing the blood of their victims is one of the sexiest visions in the genre. The so called erotic lesbian vampire films made today, could learn a thing or two of this frequently underrated Euro-masterpiece.

6. - Romero's own follow up to his classic Night of the Living Dead is one of most renown and beloved, as well as oft-imitated zombie films ever. Knowing that the gore drenched film would never get an "R" rating Romero released the film unrated, a bold move, even today. But, the excellent cast, great writing- including some very memorable characters and political commentary about the consumer being zombies, absolutely smashing FX work by Tom Savini, and great score by The Goblins, make this a perfect film. The movie is smart, exciting, violent (but never in a depressing or disturbing manner), and funny. Unarguably one of the genre's crowning moments.

5. - You don't need to have Christian beliefs to agree with the following statement: The Exorcist is one of the scariest films ever made. William Fredkin directed William Peter Blatty's adaptation of his own bestseller. With great performance's, powerful directing, still shocking moments, and superb effects work by Dick Smith this classic is one of the most highly regarded horror films ever. The images of Reagan masturbating with a crucifix, barfing, and head spinning are classic and defining moments in the genre. Oft imitated, many times by films even more graphic, but never equaled The Exorcist is a true vision of classic terror.

4. - To me this is Steven Spielberg's best film. Long before his production of Gremlins or his own Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was ever criticized for their graphic violence, came this film, of the most intense movies to ever be rated PG (or probably any other rating). The dialogue, the characters, and the acting is just classic, as is the nail biting climax. Like many of the best horror films, this one is ripped off countless of times, but Jaws remains the single greatest killer animal film, ever. It's score also remains, alongside of Halloween and Psycho, as one of the most recognizable in horror film history.

3. - Tobe Hooper's classic is the single scariest film EVER made. Despite its' title, what makes this film so amazing is the lack of gore, and yet, the images in this film rank amongst the most horrific ever. You don't want to or need to see it graphic detail. Shit, this movie was made with a PG-rating in mind! Whatever the case maybe, it set the tone and standard for all films that followed it. This is the measuring stick, kiddies.

2. - John Carpenter's classic is the greatest slasher film, as well as one of the most influential horror films ever made. Like Texas Chainsaw this movie accomplishes a lot and is scary as hell without ever being graphically violent.

1. -When I first saw this classic, I was immediately blown away by it. Despite the years that have passed and the many viewings I have given it, it still does. The score by The Goblins is perhaps my favorite score for any movie. The gory murders are breathtaking with the opening double murder being one of the greatest beginnings in any genre. Dario Argento's use of color and his moving camera are jaw dropping and astonishing in their beauty. In all this is Argento's best and, unarguably, scariest movie. One that rightfully is worshiped and spoken in the absolute highest regard by horror fans.

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Movies That Changed My Life

- While, Empire Strikes Back is clearly the best of the series, and the single film i have watched the most amount of times, Return blew me away as a child. I became obsesses with it and could not stop thinking or talking about it. My memories of seeing in the theatres, as a child, are still a part of me.

- before seeing this, black and white films, in my head, were all bloodless, but this masterpiece changed everything. it impacted me. now imagine how it most have impacted people back then. Along with Hammer Horror and, even more so, H.G. Lewis' gorefests, it helped usher in the splatter film. It remains my fifth fav film ever and Romero's best movie, at least IMHO.

- one of the greatest sequels ever made, and my second most viewed film ever, DOTD blew me away with it's amazing gore content and the great acting. The gory squibs made me think, yep that's what it most look like when someone gets shot, well minus the bright red color, of course. It remains Romero's second best film to date.

- My absolute fav film ever. This movie had me blabbering non-stop to my family and friends about it. I was just blown away. the gore, the humor, the characters, the acting, the babe that is Barbara Crampton. I developed a major crush on her, and THE classic scene with her and Dr. Hill's head, as well as her full frontal nudity, left a long lasting impression on my pre-teen mind. It is also one of those films that made me wanna make movies, myself.

- The definitive mix of action, sci-fi, and horror this film never, ever fails to get my adrenaline going. My jaw dropped, and still does, watching this film. Behold the beauty of the Alien Queen! Plus, the movie has a lot of heart, and that makes it even more memorable. A masterpiece in every way shape and form, this is my second fav film, ever!

- while I had already seen Argento's Creepers (aka Phenomena) and Inferno, nothing could prepare me for this masterpiece. This is one of the films that made me wanna make movies, stylistically it remains my biggest influence. The use of color, the amazing score, and the gore grabbed a hold of me. The first murder still impresses and blows me away to this very day.

- I will never forget staying up late to catch this on cable. The mix of humor and wild gore, to this very day is perfection. This one's style also influenced me a lot. I wanted to make stuff like this! Regardless of one might think of Sam Raimi today, this remains his best, arguably.

- The second greatest action film ever (the greatest is John Woo's very own Hard Boiled) the level of violence (ridiculous body count and ultra-gory squibs) had me drooling. it blew all of those whimpy Hollywood action films straight to hell. Basically, a wet-dream cum true for Sam Peckinpah, it is yet another HUGE influence on me. If I made an action film, it would surely be like this.

- perhaps one of the greatest movie going experiences I have ever had. The FX, the story, and the action blew me away then, and still do. One of those rare better than the awesome original sequels, which is another reason it impacted me.

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