4/07/2011

Life Lessons from Horror Movies

Many like to pick on the horror genre mentioning all the supposed negative aspects of the genre. I, though, find that there are many great life lessons to be learned. Don't believe me? Read on, and you will see for yourself!

Help!- For example, if you need help, DO NOT ask a scary German guy for help. As seen in last year's Human Centipede, he'll sew you ass to mouth, with at least two other people attached to you. And, well that just can't be fun.








Love & Zombies-
We can also learn important tips on dating zombies. But, wait you say, there aren't any zombies in real life. Well, what about when the zombie apocalypse takes place, huh? Your gonna have to get some ass anyway, you can. Thank God, these movies can teach us what to do when in a relationship with the living dead. If you happen to have casual sex with a hot zombie chick be sure to, as Skid Row say in their song, tell 'em to "Get the fuck out!". Otherwise, as BurningAngel's horror/ porno Re-Penetrator teaches us, they rip you apart and eat you! On the bright side, he does die with, mostly, a smile, I suppose.

But, when in a serious relationship with a zombie, as seen in the classic Return of the Living Dead Pt. 3, you will have to deal with her cutting herself. But, on the bright side she'll have her tits out in the open! Of course, in the end you'll see that ultimately you'll have to kill yourself with her. Which while it maybe romantically tragic, it certainly doesn't do you any good whatsoever!

But, what if your crush, who doesn't know you have feelings for her, suddenly becomes a zombie? The answer to what to do can be found in the indie-horror flick Make Out with Violence. Anyways, you can take care of by keeping her in your friends room, changing her clothing, and keeping her in the bathtub. Feeding her live rats is also a good idea, but I think it would totally kill the mood! Still, you gotta feed her flesh eating desires somehow! This will eventually lead to bad shit, for sure, but hey, beggars can't be choosers!

Lava Lamps & Satan- I bet you didn't know this, but Satan lives in a lava lamp! Don't believe me? Well, then you clearly have not seen John Carpenter's highly enjoyable Prince of Darkness, and if you have seen it, then you ain't paying attention. Not only does the Lord of Flies live in one, but he can control bugs and bums! Plus, he spreads his evil though slime! So, next time you go to a friend's house and see that he/ she has a lava lamp, be careful! It might possess you and make you try and kill people researching the occult at some old church!

Ballet- I once thought that the only thing bad about the ballet is that it can put you to fucking sleep. But, I was wrong! Two great horror movies, thought me this. First off, Argento's classic Suspiria teaches us that a ballet school might be run by witches; who kill those who stand in their way. Their head witch can even bring the fucking dead back to life!! Shit!! That's scarier than freaking detention!

Of course, that's not the only issue here. Even if your school is not run by witches you might just go fucking insane! Last year's amazing psychological horror flick Black Swan warned us about this. You'll keep going more and more whacky, but it's not all bad. You do get to have hot lesbian fantasies about Mila Kunis! It's just the stuff that happens before and after that won't be fun! I guess you gotta take the good with bad!



So, there you have it. Horrors films are actually more educational about life than Sesame Street ever could be!

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