Horror Crush: Suzanna Ling

I realize that it has been quite some time, since I added a new inductee into the Horror Crushes section of this site, so let's change that right now! Today, I induct one of the most obscure beauties that I ever have, the gorgeous Suzanna Ling!

There is sadly no information on the beautiful Ms. Suzanna Ling. She only has one credit to her name. But, that credit, Kiss of the Tarantula, was enough to make me pay attention and love her!

Kiss of the Tarantula is a somewhat obscure 1976 American horror flick about a girl named Susan who loves spiders, especially tarantulas. As a little girl, she kills her evil mom, who is fucking Susan's uncle, wants to get rid of her, and kill her own husband/ Susan's dad. She off this bitch with the help of one of her tarantulas. As a teen (now played by Suzanna Ling), she continues to use her pet tarantulas against those who hurt or threaten her.

Kiss of the Tarantula is a bit on the slow moving side, but it is quite enjoyable. And, it is in large part thanks to Ling. Susan isn't really a villain, in my humble opinion, as all those she kills are honestly pretty shitty human beings. Poor Susan is picked on by assholes and even sexually threatened by the aforementioned uncle, who turns out to also be a lecherous and incestuous bastard. He adds some of the creepiest moments to movie (those afraid of spiders will find more things to get creeped out by). And, the ending to this movie is fucking awesome.

Getting back to Ling, she is effortlessly likable and breathtaking beautiful. She has gorgeous eyes and her long, straight, blonde hair. She makes me kind of recall Jaws 2's beautiful and fellow Horror Crush inductee and killer animal horror star Ann Duscenberry. Cheering for her definitely makes the movie more fun for me, as, short of her kicking a puppy, it would hard for me to dislike anyone this beautiful.

And, that is it. She has no other credit to her whatsoever. Not fucking one. It sucks cause she gorgeous and quite good in this movie. The flick hit Blu-ray last year thanks to VCI. It's a nice little disc (although only the trailer and running commentary are the extra features, the transfer is great), and is how I saw it for the first time, just this weekend.

But, hey, as I said that was enough for me, so, I gladly induct Ms. Suzanna Ling into Horror Crushes!

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SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS (Review)

Title: Satan's Cheerleaders
Director: Greydon Clark
Writers: Greydon Clark, Alvin L. Fast
Cast: John Ireland, Yvonne De Carlo, Jack Kruschen, John Carradine, Jacqulin Cole, Kerry Sherman
Year: 1977
Min: 92

Benedict High School's cheerleader squad are a fun loving and hot as fuck foursome. They are led by their equally hot gym teacher, Ms. Johnson (Jaculin Cole). The school's pervy janitor, Billy (Jack Kruschen), is not only a creeper who has his eyes on them, but he is also a member of a deadly Satanic cult! Shit, don't you hate when that happens?! He conducts a plan to kidnap and sacrifice them, in the name of Satan. He accomplishes this by cursing their sweaters, thus causing their car to swerve off the road. He then gets them in his van, kidnaps them, taking them to the cult's satanic altar.

But, it turns out one of them, pretty blonde Patti (Kerry Sherman), is actually a powerful witch! While, they all entranced, Patti uses her powers to kill Billy. When, they come out of the trance they go to seek help from the local sheriff (John Ireland). Who it turns out is the leader of said evil cult! But, with Patti on the cheerleaders' side, they might be fucking with the wrong girls!

This is endearing 70s exploitation at its most fun and likeable. Combing two things that were really popular back them, IE Satanic horror and cheerleader sex comedies, it manages to be a wonderfully silly gem. The flick is funny, sexy, and never takes itself too seriously, and stands as a cool and easy to love sign of the times.

A big part of this film's appeal is one's love for cheerleaders. I have always had a thing for them, so this right up my alley. I suppose if your fetishes/ preferences lie else where, then this one might not really be for you. Anyway the point is the female cast is gorgeous! All four girls and their gym teacher are very easy on the eyes. As a bonus, we also get eye candy support from rival girls from another school. The girls are seen in skimpy outfits (duh) and some bits of nudity, too. Asses are shown and shaked, and we get some boobs, too.

One of the most interesting aspects, is when it comes right down to it, the female characters, both good and bad, are smarter than the males in this film! Now, I wouldn't calls this a feminist flick or anything of the sort. It really is quite happy and content in being a simple and sexy little movie. But, it is a nice little, and somewhat subtle, extra touch.

The cast is truly impressive, with the aforementioned John Ireland, as well John Carradine, Sydney Chaplin (son of Charlie Chaplin!), and Yvonne DeCarlo, among more! The late, great DeCarlo is, of course, best known for playing sexy, proto-goth babe Lily Munster on The Munsters. This may well be her second greatest role, well it is at least, in my humble opinion.

That said, the acting is... well, it's nothing to write home about. But, even the worst acting is somehow endearing and adds to the fun to the movie. When you count in the terrible dialogue and silly shit that happens, it is clear that this ain't The Exorcist. Taking all of this into account, the acting comes off as quite adequate and, dare I say, perfect for this film! It probably wouldn't be perfect for any other film, but who the fuck cares?!

There is some nitpicking to be done. For example, why do the Satanists use a pentacle and not a pentagram for their rituals and robs? But, let's be honest here, the filmmakers didn't care to do any research, and that is fine by me. It is possible that you might bitch about the quality of the acting or find this movie to be stupid or cheap and exploitative. To those people, I say, ''What the fuck do you expect from a movie called Satan's Cheerleaders?! And, why in the blue hell are you watching said movie?!'' Honestly, you should know what you are getting yourself into and just shut the fuck up and enjoy the cheese and babes!

There is truthfully nothing scary about this movie, as the horror aspect is silly and light in tone. There is no real gore or bloodletting to speak of. And, again, this is all fine for it succeeds in the other aspects that it aims for, namely humor and hotties. That being said, it does get bonus points for a climax and ending that I got a total kick out of. It manages to raise the flick to an above average level, that further sealed my enjoyment of it.

Satan's Cheerleaders is a fun bit of 70's exploitation. It brings lots of humor and camp as it combines two of the eras most popular sub-genres: satanic horror and cheerleader sex comedy. Filled with a great veteran cast and hot girls, in various stages of dressing and undressing (the girls NOT the veterans!), this is an enjoyable romp of the silliest manner. It is never scary, always light, many times funny, and a feast for cheerleaders lovers. If you come in knowing what to expect and this sounds like your cup of skin, jump right in! It is currently streaming on Shudder. There is also a DVD put out by VCI (alas no Blu-ray of it). Both versions are the R-cut, as apparently it played as a PG flick, when it first came out (not sure if anything was cut back then, but at least this certainly ain't!) However you see it, it'll make you go ''Ra-Ra Satan!'' or at least cheer for some cheerleader ass!

3 out of 4

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The Top 10 Films of 1972

Before getting to this list, I know what you are thinking, "Boy, that is a very random year for the Master to pick and do a top ten list. It came out of nowhere." Well yes, I get that, but it really didn't. Over on my personal Facebook profile, my friend Jim, who runs the awesome blog Shootin' Straighter than a Stormtrooper (which you should totally be reading and following) assigned a year for me to pick my top ten form after I liked his own list.

And, thus this little post was given birth. After, I posted the list on my above mentioned profile, as my status update, I decided to write it out and make into an actual write-up here. I'm a huge fan of 70s cinema, since during this time, they pushed the limits of what could be done in terms of sex and violence. There will never be another period in cinema quite like the 70s. Anyway, 1972 was a really good year and as always, it's my list, so I don't think too many sites will have a list quite like it. Enjoy!

10. Godzilla Vs. Gigan- Introducing one of my favorite Godzilla villains, Gigan, and teaming him up with my favorite one, Ghidorah, to battle the Big G and his pal Anguirus, this installment has been one that I have loved since I was a little kid. Lots of fun, destruction, fighting, and monsters. And, really that's all you need in life!

9. Tombs of the Blind Dead- This Euor-horror cult classic introduced one of the coolest looking horror villain groups ever in the form of the living dead Knights Templar. These blind, horse-riding zombies hear their victims and that's how they find them to kill them. The movie bookends itself awesomely with a hot lesbian tryst at the beginning and a kick ass slaughter on a train at the climax! It spawned lots of sequels, but this arguably the best installment in the series.

8. Rica- This kick ass, sexy, and violent entry in the pinky violence cycle has all the graphic violence and nudity you expect from this type of film. Moving in at a quick pace and featuring a gorgeous, nude female cast, this one of the most fun movies in the sub-genre.

 7. The Blood Spattered Bride- Cult classic, lesbian vampire flick has two stunning beauties in the lead and some good gore. I been a big fan of this one since I bought it on DVD ages ago. Well acted, beautiful to look at, bloody, and highly recommended.

6. The Last House on the Left- If not for the silly and unneeded humor, provided by the two stupid cops, I would like this disturbing and nasty Wes Craven rape-revenge classic even more. Regardless, this savage film ranks as one of his best films, with great acting by the villains and victims and a rousing, gory climax.

5. Deliverance- You can thank this movie for all the hillbilly horror flicks that came since its release. A film that could only be made in the 70s, this one has a legacy that never dies. "Squeal like a pig!"






4. Horror Express- One of the finest Spanish horror movies ever this sci-fi/ horror hybrid has long been a favorite of mine. It combines a cool concept, alien terror, zombies, a GREAT cast (Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, and Telly Savalas), beautiful women, a cool monster, and a kick ass climax, if you have never seen this one you are doing yourself a disservice!







3. Don't Torture a Duckling- My second favorite Lucio Fulci film this giallo this an awesome story with solid acting and a smashing climax. The whipping scene with chains ranks among the master's best. Also, nice is the nudity in the film, as the picture to the left can attest to.

2. Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan- One of my absolute favorite martial arts movies this is probably the sexiest movie the Shaw Brothers ever made. Featuring hot lesbian action and two of the most stunning women you will ever see in the leads, this one will make your pants very happy. But the film also looks gorgeous and has some real kick ass karate and sword fighting, plus lots of bloody violence. The climax ranks among the best you will ever see in in this genre.

1. The Godfather- What more can be said of one of the greatest movies ever made? I seen it countless of times, owned it on VHS, LD, DVD, and now blu-ray. A cinematic masterpiece and a rare example of a perfect movie. Priceless!!!!









I hope you enjoyed reading my picks. What are your favorite movies from this year? And, is there a year that you would like to see me pick my top ten from? Please, be realistic when picking a year. Don't give me a year before 1970, as I haven't seen enough films from the preceding years to give a fair judgement. Don't get me wrong there are lots of movies I liked from the 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s, but I would never consider myself an expert in those eras of film. Also the years 2009- present are covered here, so need to pick them.

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The Top 10 Horror Films of the '70s

The second part of my list of the top horror films of each era to the present take us to my favorite time in movies, and I don't just not just in horror films: the 1970's. This time period represented a bold new era in cinema with movies reaching new levels of sexuality and graphic violence. The movies of this era broke new ground, and in some cases, are still not topped. There is a certain attitude that the films of this decade that sets them apart from others. Whatever the case might be, this was the most fun list for me to do.

10. - Dario Argento's gallio remains the best in the sub-genre. With an excellent score by The Goblins, great acting, and the memorable murders, this remains one of the finest fright films to ever come out of Italy. And, speaking of murders, this film has one of the most brutal dental assaults, ever caught on celluloid. Argento's style is also mesmerizing with his camera swooping, moving, tightening in everywhere. A masterpiece of gore, suspense, and style.

9. - David Cronenberg really hit the mark with this smart, horrifying, and shocking tale of a woman who manifests her anger in her mutant children, her "brood". The great acting coupled with the horrific gore and smart script make this one work to perfection.

8. - Richard Donner's wonderfully Satanic masterpiece has one of the best and truly scariest scores ever made. The kid is also effectively creepy, and Gregory Peck is a great hero. The creative deaths are very memorable, in particular the slow-mo decapitation with the head spinning in the air, which ranks as one of the greatest deaths in film history.

7. - the definitive lesbian vampire, this is also the most well done mix of eroticism and graphic horror. Both lead women are stunningly beautiful, though my tastes lean more towards Marianne Morris (the brunette). Regardless, the scenes of these beauties killing, making out, and sharing the blood of their victims is one of the sexiest visions in the genre. The so called erotic lesbian vampire films made today, could learn a thing or two of this frequently underrated Euro-masterpiece.

6. - Romero's own follow up to his classic Night of the Living Dead is one of most renown and beloved, as well as oft-imitated zombie films ever. Knowing that the gore drenched film would never get an "R" rating Romero released the film unrated, a bold move, even today. But, the excellent cast, great writing- including some very memorable characters and political commentary about the consumer being zombies, absolutely smashing FX work by Tom Savini, and great score by The Goblins, make this a perfect film. The movie is smart, exciting, violent (but never in a depressing or disturbing manner), and funny. Unarguably one of the genre's crowning moments.

5. - You don't need to have Christian beliefs to agree with the following statement: The Exorcist is one of the scariest films ever made. William Fredkin directed William Peter Blatty's adaptation of his own bestseller. With great performance's, powerful directing, still shocking moments, and superb effects work by Dick Smith this classic is one of the most highly regarded horror films ever. The images of Reagan masturbating with a crucifix, barfing, and head spinning are classic and defining moments in the genre. Oft imitated, many times by films even more graphic, but never equaled The Exorcist is a true vision of classic terror.

4. - To me this is Steven Spielberg's best film. Long before his production of Gremlins or his own Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was ever criticized for their graphic violence, came this film, of the most intense movies to ever be rated PG (or probably any other rating). The dialogue, the characters, and the acting is just classic, as is the nail biting climax. Like many of the best horror films, this one is ripped off countless of times, but Jaws remains the single greatest killer animal film, ever. It's score also remains, alongside of Halloween and Psycho, as one of the most recognizable in horror film history.

3. - Tobe Hooper's classic is the single scariest film EVER made. Despite its' title, what makes this film so amazing is the lack of gore, and yet, the images in this film rank amongst the most horrific ever. You don't want to or need to see it graphic detail. Shit, this movie was made with a PG-rating in mind! Whatever the case maybe, it set the tone and standard for all films that followed it. This is the measuring stick, kiddies.

2. - John Carpenter's classic is the greatest slasher film, as well as one of the most influential horror films ever made. Like Texas Chainsaw this movie accomplishes a lot and is scary as hell without ever being graphically violent.

1. -When I first saw this classic, I was immediately blown away by it. Despite the years that have passed and the many viewings I have given it, it still does. The score by The Goblins is perhaps my favorite score for any movie. The gory murders are breathtaking with the opening double murder being one of the greatest beginnings in any genre. Dario Argento's use of color and his moving camera are jaw dropping and astonishing in their beauty. In all this is Argento's best and, unarguably, scariest movie. One that rightfully is worshiped and spoken in the absolute highest regard by horror fans.

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