The A-Zs of Horror, Pt. 2 (N-Z)

N is for NUDITY- Few genres, outside of sex comedies or porn, rely so heavily on nudity as many horror films do. This is particularly true when it comes to low budget movies or slasher films. Didn't it suck ass when in the 90s, there would be all these hot babes in slasher movies like Scream or I Know what You Did Last Summer, and yet none of them showed skin? That was an epic fail, dear readers! Thank God, movies like the Hostel films and My Bloody Valentine 3D (whose beautiful and fully nude Betsy Rue is pictured to the left) are giving us fans skin in horror movies that are released on the big screen, again! Yay!


O is for OLD SCRATCH- As in Lucifer, Satan, the Prince of Darkness, the Lord of Flies, the Devil, etc. Satanic horror is probably one of my favorite subgenres. He can possess a little girl, have a child with Mia Farrow or a jackal, battle two heroic brothers or the Governator in hopes of succeeding in defating them and bringing forth the end of days, wage a fight with a heavy metal signer, etc. Point is whatever he is planning is not good for mankind. Nope, cause when horror's ultimate villain is behind the evil deeds, you know shit is gonna go bad for us people.

P is for PSYCHO- Hitchcock's best movie is one of the greatest and most influential horror films ever made. It shocked people back then, and while tame today, it still holds up excellently. It also gave us the first human monster to eventually get his own franchise in the form of Norman Bates, played by the late great Anthony Perkins. plus, it also made taking showers a lot more scary!





Q is for Q (QUETZECOATL)- Q is Larry Cohen's cult favorite about Quetzecoatl, the Aztec god that has made his home at top of the Empire State building (giant monsters love it there, apparently!). It's a great example of how despite a low budget great talent behind and in front of the camera can make for an awesome film. It's also considerably bloodier than most giant monster films. If you have never seen it, you need to get your fucking ass off of the couch, chair, bed, whatever and see it now!





R is for RAPE/ REVENGE- Perhaps the most infamous of all of horrors' sub-genres. Films like Ms. 45, The Last House on the Left, House on the Edge of the Park, Irreversible, and, the most infamous of all, I Spit on Your Grave rank among the most controversial movies ever made. The premise is simple enough, a girl (or girls) get raped, and either she or a loved one(s) exact the frequently bloody vengeance. What makes this different, than say a slasher film, is the fact that those getting it clearly deserve it.

S is for SHARKS, SNAKES, SNAILS, AND OTHER KILLER ANIMALS- Killer animal movies have been with us since the Hitchcock classic The Birds and are, thanks in large part to the Syfy channel, WAY over done in nowadays. That said Jaws remains the best of them all. But, thanks to these movies birds, sharks, snakes, snails, killer whales, rabbits, roaches, frogs, rats, dogs, cats, etc. have all been made into our enemies. And, yes, some of these are pretty ridiculous and ludicrous choices to threaten mankind!

T is for THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE- This remains the single scariest movie ever made. Introducing us to Leatherface and his cannibalistic family, it gave us a damn good reason to never go to the Lone Star State. It would go on to give us lots of sequels, a remake, and a prequel to the remake, all with various degrees of success. Regardless, none of them can touch Tobe Hooper's relatively bloodless and utterly terrifying classic.


U is for UNWATCHABLE- Man, there sure are lots of bad movies out there. These include some truly terrible, terrible horror movies. The worst of which (the Leprechaun movies, most of The Howling sequels, The Witchcraft series, remakes like Psycho, One Missed Call, The Fog, etc.) can make you feel like ripping out your damn corneas, just to put an end to the fucking horror.


V is for VAMPIRES- Perhaps the oldest of horror subgenres, vamps have been featured in countless of horror movies for the longest of time. From Nosferatu to Horror of Dracula to From Dusk Till Dawn to 30 Days of Night bloodsuckers have terrorized, seduced, and drank blood on the big screen. They have been villains, lovers, heroes, killers, and/ or lost souls as so many have interpreted them in their own way. While, this has led to some terrible and questionable inclusions, like the shit sucking Twilight series, it has given continuous life to the undead. The fact that they have been in comics (even battling superheroes like Superman, The X-men, Spider-Man, The Punisher, etc.) , books, and TV (including some of the best horror shows like The X-Files, Supernatural, and of course, Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, Angel, and True Blood), means that they far out weigh all other horror monsters in appearances.

W is for WEREWOLVES- The natural counterpart to the vampire. If vamps signify our sexuality, then werewolves represent the animal inside. There are three basic looks for them: the ones that look more human (The Wolfman, Curse of the Werewolf), the ones that turn into actual wolves or wolf like beasts (Wolfen, True Blood, An American Werewolf in London), and, my personal fav, those that become hulking beasts (Dog Soldiers, The Howling, The Underworld Trilogy). No one has ever really explained this, expect to say that it is up to the filmmaker to decide which he likes. In the case of Universal's classic Wolfman both the the actual Wolfman and the wolf creature (who, in fact, bites Talbot) are featured. And, like vampires. they too, have been shown to have the potential be both hero and villain.

X is for XXX-RATED HORROR- Porn and horror seem like a natural combination due to the fact that sex and nudity play such a large part of the genre and the fact that the conservative minded have damned them both. And, while there are quite a few pornos that feature sexy witches or vampires, few have actual violence and gore, since that is usually considered a no-no in the industry. Thankfully some have the, er, balls to do it. From Joe D'Amato's work like Erotic Nights of the Living Dead or Porno Holocaust to more modern movies like The Wicked or BurningAngel's Re-Penetrator and The XXXcorsist show that hardcore fucking and sanguinary spillage go hand in hand. So, you can jerk-off and be amazed by the bloody spectacle all at the same time!

Y is for YUCK- Yes, horror movies can be gory, but some are down right gross. And, while it all depends on the tone of the film (from movies meant to be funny to those that are serious in tone to those that are down right disturbing), they manage to make us reach for barf bag by including acts of gross-out action such as: bums that melt like piles of slime, a human fly that barfs corrosive liquid on you, Devil possessed little girls spewing pea-soup, guys and/or a girl into corpse fucking, or being connected ass to mouth. In all good times for those of you with weak stomachs. BLARG!!!!!!

Z is for ZOMBIES- My absolute favorite sub-genre in horror. While, the living dead have been with since the golden age of horror with White Zombie it was George Romero that defined them in Night of the Living Dead. From there we got the modern, traditional version of them. They are the resurrected dead hungry for human flesh. The only way to stop then? Shot them in the head or destroy their brain some other way. Of course, if we are talking about Return of the Living Dead only dismemberment can stop them. It goes without saying that slow zombies rule. Fast zombies are lame idea, I think. Just remember that once you get bit, you become a zombie, yourself, meaning that like vampires (although depending on what you are watching turning might involve more than just that with bloodsuckers) and werewolves, they can spread their condition. Oh, and to be a true zombie you MUST BE DEAD! End of fucking story.

Hope you enjoyed this. I know I had fun writing it. I might do something similar for porn and pro-wrestling somewhere down the line. For now, here is the first half, in case you missed it: http://themastergio.blogspot.com/2010/06/a-zs-of-horror-pt-1-m.html

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The A-Zs of Horror, Pt. 1 (A-M)

Alphabetizing is fun! And educational, as well! I love horror movies and know that many of you do, too! Baring that in mind, I give to you a list to that is sure to be an instructive and important part of your day! Maybe of your life! Here's the first half:

A is for ALIENS- In horror movies, aliens never want to be our friends. Nope. Instead, they can start as an egg laid by their giant queen mommy which has a crab like critter that comes out and then sticks to your face after which it lays another egg down your throat that grows and bursts out of your chest then grows up to be a monster with acid blood that has a second mouth inside it's own mouth that rips through your skull, or he might be a hunter from another world, or they may wanna turn us into food (be it cotton candy, fast food, etc!), or they maybe slugs that possess us or reanimate the dead, or it might be a being that can copy other living things, or... well, you get the idea!


B is for BLOOD- Blood and gore has been in horror movies for many years, now. Hammer studios were one of the first to flirt with it, but it was HG Lewis' cult favorites like Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs that gave our earliest taste of extreme gore. Meanwhile, George Romero's Night of the Living Dead bought it to the mainstream. Since, then movies, and just horror films, have been spilling the red stuff, and making us gorehounds very happy!

C is for CANNIBALS- One of the most extreme sub-genres in the horror film, cannibal movies can be pretty rough to watch. From the extreme (Cannibal Ferox, Jungle Holocaust, and, of course, the classic Cannibal Holocaust) to the erotic (?!) (Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) to the rather silly and fun (Zombie Holocaust, which has three things listed here!), most of them came from Italy. American movies can have cannibals too as Ravenous proves or the most famous cannibals of all, Hannibal Lector and a dude and his family from Texas.




D is for DRACULA- The most famous of all blood-suckers was born in Bram Stoker's classic novel. Bela Lugosi gave the first official movie performance based on it. And, while a million movies have been made about Drac and tons of guys played him since then; Christopher Lee remains THE definitive portrayal of the most famous of all vampires.







E is for ENTITY- An entity is a spirit, but few are as evil and perverse as the one in the movie of the same name. It stars Barbara Hershey as a woman repeatedly raped by the unseen force in graphic and horrifying scenes. Supposedly based on a true story, this underrated movie has one vile fucking ghost.







F is for FREDDY KRUEGER- A child killer is burned alive by parents pissed at him being let go by the court system. He becomes something much worse, as he kills teens in their sleep. The best of the slasher villains Freddy is one of horrordom's greatest, most evil, and most entertaining baddies. Plus, he surely helps coffee stock go up!







G is for GODZILLA- The first movie (Gojria) was meant to signify the horrors of nuclear warfare. The King of the Monsters would go to play villain and hero in many movies after that. He battled the army and both good and evil monsters. To this very day, he reigns supreme and keeps his crown. For no monster can ever be as great as the big G!!!!!!!!!!



H is for HALLOWEEN- Of course, it's every horror fans favorite holiday, but it is also the name of John Carpenter's classic, that would inspire many a rip-off, sequel, and remake. It also gave us Michael Myers, perhaps the scariest of all slasher villains. Pure evil, Myers does not seem to love his family very much (like his sisters, niece, etc) or anyone else for that matter. But, at least we know he is always busy on this holiday! Though, that's probably not a good thing for those living in Haddonfield... Which also begins with the letter H! Double score!




I is for ICHI THE KILLER- This ultra-violent modern classic by shockmaster Takashi Miike this ranks as one of this best films. It also happens to be one of his most extreme. And, coming from him that is saying A LOT! At times, it is funny, but other times it is damn fucked up. The nipple slicing scene ranks as one of cinema's most shocking and hard to watch moments. Ichi, himself, is one of the most insane and fucked up characters in all of filmdom. A perfect example of why I love Asian cinema so much.

J is for JASON VOORHEES- The unstoppable killer of Camp Crystal Lake drowned as a child, but when he saw his revenge seeking mom get her head lopped off, he came back to exact murderous vengeance on all who come to the infamous camp. The best reason to never go into the woods can never die. He also does not approve of you having premarital sex or doing drugs. Talk about being a party pooper!



K is for KING KONG- It's one of the finest, if not in fact the finest, giant monster movie ever made. But, the character himself a giant ape with a thing for hot human chicks. That usually leads to bad things happening to him, but hey that's what you get when you think with your other head! Kong would go on to battle Godzilla and even his own evil robot double, as well as being remade twice. Plus, he even had a kid in a terrible, terrible sequel. Will Kong ever return again? Who knows. Just remember when he does he will surely kidnap a hot chick and take her on a date to the top of a building! Now is that not romantic?

L is for LESBIAN VAMPIRES- That most favorite of exploitation subgenres, has been with us for quite a few years now. Jean Rollin is the most prolific filmmaker to go down this route, while Hammer has done a few of their own, including the wonderful The Vampire Lovers. But, Vampyres remains the best of them all. Since, then DTV movies have inundated the market with lots of cheap-o softcore material. For an endless list of rugmuncher bloodsucker movies, try Seduction Cinema. Also, of note is that this type of movie will give you wood, and I don't mean the kind that you drive into the heart of the undead (unless that is you thing, in which case, goddamn you're a sick, wierdo!)

M is for MAD SCIENTISTS- They're geniuses, and they are crazy. They make living beings out of dead body parts, or re-animate corpses, or they try to explore other dimensions that make your pineal gland grow and turn you into a monster, or they connect you ass to mouth with two others to make a human centipede! In other words, they do NOT make science fun for you. But, they do remind you that science geek in class could have the ability to make zombies. So, leave him the fuck alone!


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Thundar the Barbarian: The Most Badass Toon of the 80s

Do any of you recall an 80s Saturday morning cartoon by the name of Thundarr the Barbarian? Obviously, I do. If any of you don't, you should check it out. It airs at 11PM on the Boomerang network. I loved this show as a kid. It was pretty cool and freaky. Without a shadow of a doubt it had THE best intro, possibly in all of cartoon history. I know it freaked me out as a kid!


Now clearly this did not happen in 1994 (thank God!), but that was enough to get me interested. Thundarr was a badass, even if he was a clearly "inspired" by He-Man and Conan and his sun sword a rip-off of the light saber. his companion Ookla the Mok was a rip-off of Chewbaca, but he was fucking cool! And, Princess Ariel was a hottie with magical powers. In this future where magic and "super-science" ruled, Thundarr was the hero that whooped the baddies' asses. The bad guys including: monsters, mutants, aliens, robots, etc. But, he really had an issue with wizards. I am guessing The Wizard of Oz would be better off not meeting him, well for his sake anyways!

Thundarr also loved saying his catch phrases like "Demon dogs!" (uhh, maybe he once had a bad run-in with the Terror Dogs, from Ghostbusters?) and "Lords of light!" (which sounds like a really crappy techno band or shitty power metal group, you choose). While, he never killed anyone in the cartoon (duh!); I would like to think that he would have. I mean he is a fucking Barbarian for crissakes!

I loved the fact that our civilization was in ruins and it's remnants, like world famous buildings and structures, were featured predomintally. It added to the coolness factor.

Anyways, I've been thinking about this, how's about making this into a feature film? Now, if I could make it, I would make as badass as possible. I would cast the following for the lead roles:

HHH as Thundarr- I ain't sure if his age is right, but he has the right look for the character. Besides didn't he wanna play Conan the Barbarian? Well, this is the next best thing!








Nyomi Marcella as Princess Ariel- Now, I realize that no one would ever hire a porn star to play a role based on a kid's toon, but fuck 'em! This is my fucking cast! I am a long time fan of the beautiful Ms. Marcela (her sister is, of course, the beautiful Jade Marcella, who is retired from the biz), and she has THE perfect look for the role! I mean she is damn enchanting without using any magic. And, she'd look AMAZING in THAT outfit!!!!!!!!!




Vin Diesel as Ookla the Mok- His best role is still voicing a robot in The Iron Robot so this could be his second best role! But, make it a suit, like Chewbaca. No CGI Ookla, that would suck Mok cock.



So, there you have my cast. I doubt that Ruby Spears (who made and put out the toon) would approve of it, but who the fuck cares? And, I do realize that this cast would never win any Oscars, but it's not meant to be Citizen Kane. It's a fantasy/ sci-fi story about a barbarian with an energy sword who is friends with a large, fuzzy man-monster (and, no I don't mean the A-Train or Ron Jeremy!) and a hot witch princess. In other words, it is pure fucking gold! At the very least can we please have the complete series released as a DVD set?!

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Ruby Knox: Porn Cutie

Have you guys heard of the very cute porn babe known as Ruby Knox? If not, then be prepared to be introduced to one of the most adorable babes in the biz, today! As for those of you who already know of her, you know what I'm talking about!

Ruby was born on June 29, 1985 (yes, folks that means her b-day is this upcoming Tuesday!). She got into the biz at the age of 20, back in 2005. Her first porn flick should be of particular interest to my readers who share in my love for horror and smut in the form of Porn of the Dead. I actually have never seen it but have long wanted to do so.

Ms. Knox has a hot little body with 34C-23-32 measurements. I simply love it when girls have all natural bodies.

She's worked with many major companies in the adult entertainment biz and many of the major talent in it, as well (including one of my personal favs, Tori Black!). Ms. Knox can also be seen on Cinemax's Coed Confidential which is a softcore/ comedy series.

If you wanna know more about he, be sure to follow her on Twitter at http://twitter.com/ruby_knox. Of course, you can, and should, go to her official website at http://rubyknox.me/ as well.

I am sure that after this blog, even more of you are in love with the beautiful Ruby Knox!

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The Big Four

Last night in Chelsea I had the chance to see The Big Four (Metallica, Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax) on the big screen from a concert shot in Sofia, Bulgaria. I won't mince any words here, this is my dream tour, as these are my four all time favorite bands. And, I have to say that just seeing in the theatres, blew me the fuck away!

The first band to play was Anthrax. They opened with the blistering classic Caught in a Mosh. It's great to see Joey Belladonna back. He is a fun and awesome front-man. As a whole, Anthrax were definitely the fun/ party band of the bunch. They kept the audience going, and I love the way that Joey interacts with them. They even threw in a cover of the Dio era Black Sabbath classic Heaven and Hell to the mix. That fucking ruled in my book! It was a great cover! Hope they release this somehow in the future.

Next up was my personal fav of the batch, Megadeth. They were the most jaw-dropping as from a technical aspect, there are just no words to describe their talent or do them justice. If anyone asks why they are my fav band, they need to watch this, I think it makes it all clear! They opened with one of my personal favorite songs Holy Wars and just tore shit up! Mustaine is a guitar god! All fucking hail!

Next up was the most brutal performance of the night, SLAYER!!! Even the movie theater, people were standing, as they got ready to hear these lords of thrash metal. In fact, some of them even got to playing air guitar in the aisles, which continued into the Metallica set! They opened up with the modern classic that is World Painted Blood. They didn't miss a beat and the combo of King and Hanneman on dual lead guitars never fails to impress. And, Dave Lombardo remains one of the greatest drummers in all of metal. A fucking killer, Earth shaking, head ripping performance all the fucking way!

The bands dedicated this concert movie/ performance to Ronnie James Dio. And, Kerry King, Lars Ulrich, Scott Ian, and Dave Mustaine, all told great stories about him. An awesome segment and move that got me smiling and pleased all those watching.

Then the mega-stars took the stage, the mighty Metallica!!!!!!!!!!!!! They opened with my absolute all time favorite song, ever, in the form of Creeping Death!!!!!! And, even in the theater, itself, the fans chanted the infamous, "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" chant. It was fucking killer! They played classics from the albums of theirs that matter (IE: the first five albums and Death Magnetic). The movie audience was so into it, that two even pulled out lighters during And Nothing Else Matters! Thank God, that they played nothing from the Bob Suck (er, I mean Rock) era of shit albums (Load, Re-Load, and St. Anger). Fuck him. I hope he never produces another album in his whole entire life! Anyways, they fucking killed and this went a long way in making Metallica cool again and reaffirming their place in metal/ thrash. Their cred is back, motherfuckers! So awesome was it that they bought the other three bands, for a blistering version of Am I Evil?

I must say that it was very surreal to see Mustiane hug Lars but also cool! I'm glad that the feud is over between them, cause we got this! Metallica then closed off with two classics (Hit the Lights and Seek and Destroy) off of Kill 'Em All.

This was just amazing! And, I am still pumped because of it! Can't wait till this hits DVD. The US NEEDS this tour! If you are a true metal fan, I know you feel the same. If that is the case, then you need to join this on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/WE-WANT-AN-AMERICAN-BIG-4-STADIUM-TOUR-IN-SUMMER-2011/123843190990099?ref=mf) and make them see that you agree.

ALL HAIL THE BIG FOUR OF THRASH METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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