6/30/2010

The A-Zs of Horror, Pt. 1 (A-M)

Alphabetizing is fun! And educational, as well! I love horror movies and know that many of you do, too! Baring that in mind, I give to you a list to that is sure to be an instructive and important part of your day! Maybe of your life! Here's the first half:

A is for ALIENS- In horror movies, aliens never want to be our friends. Nope. Instead, they can start as an egg laid by their giant queen mommy which has a crab like critter that comes out and then sticks to your face after which it lays another egg down your throat that grows and bursts out of your chest then grows up to be a monster with acid blood that has a second mouth inside it's own mouth that rips through your skull, or he might be a hunter from another world, or they may wanna turn us into food (be it cotton candy, fast food, etc!), or they maybe slugs that possess us or reanimate the dead, or it might be a being that can copy other living things, or... well, you get the idea!


B is for BLOOD- Blood and gore has been in horror movies for many years, now. Hammer studios were one of the first to flirt with it, but it was HG Lewis' cult favorites like Blood Feast and Two Thousand Maniacs that gave our earliest taste of extreme gore. Meanwhile, George Romero's Night of the Living Dead bought it to the mainstream. Since, then movies, and just horror films, have been spilling the red stuff, and making us gorehounds very happy!

C is for CANNIBALS- One of the most extreme sub-genres in the horror film, cannibal movies can be pretty rough to watch. From the extreme (Cannibal Ferox, Jungle Holocaust, and, of course, the classic Cannibal Holocaust) to the erotic (?!) (Emmanuelle and the Last Cannibals) to the rather silly and fun (Zombie Holocaust, which has three things listed here!), most of them came from Italy. American movies can have cannibals too as Ravenous proves or the most famous cannibals of all, Hannibal Lector and a dude and his family from Texas.




D is for DRACULA- The most famous of all blood-suckers was born in Bram Stoker's classic novel. Bela Lugosi gave the first official movie performance based on it. And, while a million movies have been made about Drac and tons of guys played him since then; Christopher Lee remains THE definitive portrayal of the most famous of all vampires.







E is for ENTITY- An entity is a spirit, but few are as evil and perverse as the one in the movie of the same name. It stars Barbara Hershey as a woman repeatedly raped by the unseen force in graphic and horrifying scenes. Supposedly based on a true story, this underrated movie has one vile fucking ghost.







F is for FREDDY KRUEGER- A child killer is burned alive by parents pissed at him being let go by the court system. He becomes something much worse, as he kills teens in their sleep. The best of the slasher villains Freddy is one of horrordom's greatest, most evil, and most entertaining baddies. Plus, he surely helps coffee stock go up!







G is for GODZILLA- The first movie (Gojria) was meant to signify the horrors of nuclear warfare. The King of the Monsters would go to play villain and hero in many movies after that. He battled the army and both good and evil monsters. To this very day, he reigns supreme and keeps his crown. For no monster can ever be as great as the big G!!!!!!!!!!



H is for HALLOWEEN- Of course, it's every horror fans favorite holiday, but it is also the name of John Carpenter's classic, that would inspire many a rip-off, sequel, and remake. It also gave us Michael Myers, perhaps the scariest of all slasher villains. Pure evil, Myers does not seem to love his family very much (like his sisters, niece, etc) or anyone else for that matter. But, at least we know he is always busy on this holiday! Though, that's probably not a good thing for those living in Haddonfield... Which also begins with the letter H! Double score!




I is for ICHI THE KILLER- This ultra-violent modern classic by shockmaster Takashi Miike this ranks as one of this best films. It also happens to be one of his most extreme. And, coming from him that is saying A LOT! At times, it is funny, but other times it is damn fucked up. The nipple slicing scene ranks as one of cinema's most shocking and hard to watch moments. Ichi, himself, is one of the most insane and fucked up characters in all of filmdom. A perfect example of why I love Asian cinema so much.

J is for JASON VOORHEES- The unstoppable killer of Camp Crystal Lake drowned as a child, but when he saw his revenge seeking mom get her head lopped off, he came back to exact murderous vengeance on all who come to the infamous camp. The best reason to never go into the woods can never die. He also does not approve of you having premarital sex or doing drugs. Talk about being a party pooper!



K is for KING KONG- It's one of the finest, if not in fact the finest, giant monster movie ever made. But, the character himself a giant ape with a thing for hot human chicks. That usually leads to bad things happening to him, but hey that's what you get when you think with your other head! Kong would go on to battle Godzilla and even his own evil robot double, as well as being remade twice. Plus, he even had a kid in a terrible, terrible sequel. Will Kong ever return again? Who knows. Just remember when he does he will surely kidnap a hot chick and take her on a date to the top of a building! Now is that not romantic?

L is for LESBIAN VAMPIRES- That most favorite of exploitation subgenres, has been with us for quite a few years now. Jean Rollin is the most prolific filmmaker to go down this route, while Hammer has done a few of their own, including the wonderful The Vampire Lovers. But, Vampyres remains the best of them all. Since, then DTV movies have inundated the market with lots of cheap-o softcore material. For an endless list of rugmuncher bloodsucker movies, try Seduction Cinema. Also, of note is that this type of movie will give you wood, and I don't mean the kind that you drive into the heart of the undead (unless that is you thing, in which case, goddamn you're a sick, wierdo!)

M is for MAD SCIENTISTS- They're geniuses, and they are crazy. They make living beings out of dead body parts, or re-animate corpses, or they try to explore other dimensions that make your pineal gland grow and turn you into a monster, or they connect you ass to mouth with two others to make a human centipede! In other words, they do NOT make science fun for you. But, they do remind you that science geek in class could have the ability to make zombies. So, leave him the fuck alone!


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2 comments:

Harry Badface said...

Sweet list.

Master_Gio said...

Thanx, man! I'm glad that you liked it! :)