The Girls of Machete

So, yesterday I decided to spend the "unofficial" end of summer seeing one of my most anticipated movies of the year, Robert Rodriguez's Machete! I have to say that it his best film since the classic From Dusk Till Dawn and, so far, my second favorite movie I seen this year. I loved the cast (Trejo really is my hero!!!), the action, the gore, the humor, and the message that this movie held. It's also filled with babes, and I will take a special look at them in this blog.

Let's begin with Lindsay Lohan. Personally speaking I cannot stand her. But, she does play herself in the movie, IE a druggie who parties with her mom. She gets topless (but recent rumors speak of a body double, if so LAME!) with her MILFy mom and jumps in the water with Trejo. She dons a nun-habit, as well, so for those of you into nunsplotation, there's that!

Next, up we got the beautiful Jessica Alba, probably the girl I am the biggest fan of in this movie. She has long been one of my fav babes, in fact, ever since the terribly stupid Idle Hands, but as I have said in the past she does not get nude. This movie shows the most of her you'll ever see, IE some side boob and side butt. She, of course, looks beautiful, and it's actually her best acting, ever.

Michelle Rodriguez also looks sexy in this movie. She don't get nude, though, but damn that outfit she wears!!! Anyways, I really like seeing her kick ass. Plus, she sells tacos in the movie. Who amongst you wouldn't buy Michelle's taco?

I was also very happy to see the twins, Elise and Electra Avellan, from Grindhouse play sexy nurses in this movie. They don't get nude, either, but hey their TWINS for Christ's sakes! I been a fan of them since said flick, and I always wish they would do more movies. I actually met at a Chiller a few years back. They were really friendly and totally caliente!

So, we got a blonde bimbo and a bunch of Latin babes but what about those of us into Asian girls? What do we get? Well fear not kiddies, as I was introduced to Singaporean beauty Cheryl Chin. She plays Steven Seagal's (who is awesome as one of the villains in the movie, by the way) henchwoman. She also does not get nude, but she is in a bikini and looks yummy. Plus, she's a bad girl. And, I kind of have a thing for bad girls. I think she needs a spanking! And, thank you Mr. Rodriguez for introducing us to this babe!

Anyways, if you ain't seen Machete yet, then what the fuck are you waiting for? Go out there and see this future classic now!!!

And, remember fans Machete don't text!

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The Top 20 Actresses Who Should Have Been Nude in Horror Movies, Pt.2: 10-1

10. Katherine Heigel in Bride of Chucky- Ms. Heigel has been in some truly godawful movies after this one. And, while her star has risen my interest in her has dropped. That said, she looked fucking gorgeous in this one and should have dropped her top. Chucky might have have dumped his main squeeze if he, and us, had seen seen Heigel's chest!



9. Elizabeth Banks in Slither- Banks is one of my fav actresses out there. Aside, from being beautiful, she really can act. I also happen to think she has quite a nice behind. She looked quite delicious in this sci-fi/ horror flick. As good as this movie is; imagine the classic it would have been if Banks had bared her goods! I mean even clothed she is drool worthy!



8. Jennifer Rubin A Nightmare on Elm Street pt. 3: Dream Warriors- I've liked metal/ punk/ goth girls since my earliest memories. And, of the earliest crushes of girls like that, for me, had to be the beautiful Jennifer Rubin as Taryn in the classic Nightmare sequel Dream Warriors. In her dreams, she is "beautiful and bad!" Sadly, she is also clothed! That said, the skin tight leather outfit she has on is HOT as fuck!




7. Ali Larter in Final Destination 1 & 2- I've been a fan of the beautiful Ms. Larter since the first Final Destination movie. Why it took so long for the rest of the world to catch up, I don't fucking know. Wait, maybe I do. It's cause she kept her clothing on! Had she been naked; she would have been a huge star without the help of that shitty Heroes TV show. Trust me! I know these things!

6. Eihi Shiina in Tokyo Gore Police- The former model and stunning actress of Takashi Miike's classic Audition looked absolutely stunning in this fun and over the top splatter flick. But, she kept her clothing on! I mean there is no better way to battle mutants than being in the nude. Even moreso if you are a hot chick! So, let this be a lesson to all you beautiful women out there reading this, THE best way to battle mutants is for you to be naked!

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know what You Did Last Summer- In keeping with the terrible trend of women not showing their naughty bits in the 90s in slasher films, IKWYDLS had the beautiful Jennifer Love Hewitt, and her boobs, but yet no skin! I mean clearly her chest is a weapon of mass destruction, or at least the cause of mass tissues being destroyed by those using them! Sure she wears tight clothing and even gets wet, but it ain't the same! The culprit here is, once again, screenwriter Kevin Williamson! Damn you, for this horrible fucking trend! This blog is not your friend, Mr. Williamson!

4. Jessica Alba in Idle Hands- Honest to God this fucking movie is atrocious! It is neither funny nor gory. It is just plain fucking stupid. But, there are two good things. The first is Seth Green as a pothead zombie. The other thing this is the movie that introduced me, and most of the world, to the beautiful Jessica Alba. I remember looking at the Fangoria issue with this movie in it and seeing her pic, and being like, "Damn!". She looked unquestionably hot and there are some nice panty shots of her ass. But, alas Ms. Alba did not bare, herself. Worst of all, she has a no nudity clause, so that even when the role calls for it (Sin City, where she played the stripper Nancy), she won't do it! Damn it! Ms. Alba, you need to stop torturing us! Bare your skin! I think it might even solve world hunger if you did! So, do it for the well being of the world!

3. Elisha Cuthbert in Captivity- While, I think House of Wax is a better movie, I think this is the movie where the nudity fit best (not that should ever stop any of you aspiring filmmakers from adding skin to your movie!). I actually like this controversial little torture porn flick. But, think about it, as she is held captive by our mysterious antagonist, he gets to see a lot of her. That includes a sex scene. But, even then we don't see shit. Come on! That's a rip-off right there!




2. Megan Fox in Jennifer's Body- OK, this is the one that I am most disappointed with. Back when we first heard of this film, there were nude pics that got leaked out of the beautiful Ms. Fox, even if it was in a see-through body suit. Sadly, those scenes got cut out or were never used or whatever the case maybe. It was lame move. She does look hot as hell in the movie and makes out with Amanda Seyfried, but that is not enough, dear readers! Perhaps, the filmmakers thought that by having Fox nude there would be nuclear explosion of hotness that would have been dangerous for humanity. I say, dear filmmakers, I understand your concern, but we people are willing take that risk in hopes of seeing Megan's body in all of its' glory!

1. Jamie Chung in Sorority Row- This one should be no shock to those of you who are long and loyal readers here. I actually enjoy this movie, quite a bit. And, while there is skin; it ain't from the girls that the movie's plot actually revolves around. The cast is beautiful, including Audrina Patridge (but we seen her nude already!), but the hottest, to me, is this beautiful Korean goddess. The still of her that I used here is from her in the hot tube, but the camera cuts away, right as she takes her top off. So, we don't see shit! Damn you camera! Damn you straight to hell! That scene alone would have made this movie get renamed Hot Tub Nude Machine in Sorority Row! If, Ms. Chung ever gets nude it will help achieve world peace. I promise you everything will be better and happier on this plant, if not in the whole entire universe! So, Jamie the fate of the Earth hands on your shoulders, er I mean your bra. Make the right choice!

Hope you guys liked this list. If there is any girl you think is missing from here, please do tell! I would love to hear your thoughts! Oh, and don't be shy. We all think and talk about the same stuff, here!

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