Dario Argento's Dracula 3D

 

Tile: Dracula 3D

Director: Dario Argento

Writer: Dario Argento and Enrique Cerezo

Cast: Thomas Kretschman, Marta Gastini, Asia Argento, Unaz Uglade, Miriam Giovanelli, Rutger Hauer

Johnathon Harker (Unaz Uglade) arrives at Transylvania and goes to visit his wife's best friend, the

gorgeous Lucy (Asia Argento). He then heads to Dracula's (Thomas Krestshman) castle to catalouge his huge library. After the voluptuous Tania (Miriam Giovanelli) and her amazing cleavage try to put the bite on him, Drac saves him. But, later the count attacks him. The count, it turns out, is waiting for Harker's wife, the pretty Mina (Mara Gastini) to come and see him. Lucy gets bitten by Drac and falls ill, but she sends the caring Mina to see the count regardless. There is under his trance and only Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer) can save her and kill all the vampires, including Dracula and the humans loyal to him, that terrorize the town.

Holy shit!!! This was truly awful! This movie looks and feels nothing like a Darío Argento movie. As a

matter of fact it lacks any of Argento's stylish qualities like his beautiful camera work or colors. It has none of that. It is just a fucking awful piece of festering shit. For the most part the movies is flatly directed and it's kind of boring actually. But some parts are unintentionally funny. Some of that can be attributed to the awful dialogue, the brain-dead script, or the terrible CGI.

Said horrible CGI includes a laughable, giant, praying mantis that Dracula transforms into. Yes, you read that right. Dracula transforms into a giant, praying mantis. What the fuck? I don't know what possessed any to think that this would be a good idea. I guess he was trying to do some new and different things with Dracula. Very few work though, I mean I like what happens to Harker and, uh, not much else...

Admittedly there is some decent gore here. They include vampire bitings, gunshot blasts, impaling, stabbing, etc. But, most, aside from a rather cool blue bullet goes up the chain out the top of his head, blows out some dude's fuckin brains scene, there wasn't any murders that really stuck out in my head. Certainly not in the manner that I expect an Argento movie to have.

Most of the acting is pretty awful. Including a horrible Jonathan Harker in the form of Unaz Uglade, that shows that perhaps Argento was trying to channel Keanu Reeves from Bram Stoker's Dracula. If that is the case he certainly went for the worst Harker performance ever as inspiration. I guess the actor it kind of looks like Reeves. It doesn't matter; he sucks even more. Kretschman is mostly forgettable as Dracula and seems to think that snarling and shit is scary. I've got news for you dude, it ain't. Marta Gastini is pretty and kind of looks like Wynonna Ryder. But, she really can't act her way out of a box. Miriam Giovanelli has an amazing chest. and thank God she shows them. Her acting is not so great, but she is hot and sexy.

But, perhaps the biggest pity here is Asia Argento who despite her great talents is given such an awful role as Lucy that it's a waste of her talents. But thank the Lord she shows off her tits to not once but twice and her ass, as well, all in glorious 3-D. Hauer, though, is fun and does chew up the scenery. But he battled vampires in this past season of True Blood, and that was MUCH better.

 

And speaking of the 3-D other that the shit sticks out in front of the camera there is really no reason for this movie to be 3-D other the fact that they get to the jack up the price for it. Thank God, I did not pay to see to  this shit. 

Dracula 3-D is a pretty wretched film that is quite simply one of Argento's worst movies ever. It's hard for me to say that because Argento was once I a great filmmaker that I looked up to. His films were the kind of movies that I wanted to make. But, no one would want to make anything this bad. And, while not the worst film to be released this year (that dear friends is Dead Before Dawn) it is most one worst. Skip unless you really seriously need to see Asia's boobs in 3-D.

*1/2 out of ****

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Dead Before Dawn 3D (2013) Review

I have a new review up at best-horror-movies.com. It's for horror-comedy Dead Before Dawn. You can read it here: http://www.best-horror-movies.com/review?name=dead-before-dawn-3d-2013-review

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My (Almost) Life-Long Love for Jaws

This week has been AMAZING for fellow shark lovers, as it's Shark Week over on Discovery Channel, which I look forward to every freaking year(!), and, yesterday, we saw the release of the single greatest killer animal horror film, Steven Spielberg's Jaws, on blu-ray. This post is all about my love and adoration for that classic. 

I been a fan of Jaws since I was a kid. I remember watching it and loving it. Mind you, I was already was fascinated by both monsters and animals and this combined both. Here was a horror movie that featured a killer shark, and from then on I was enamored by sharks. I still am. It was also one of the first horror films I was ever obsessed with. 

The story is a simple one, as then you Steven Spielberg directed a movie based on Peter Benchley's best seller. In it a shark terrorizes a community and a police chief (Roy Schieder), a marine biologist (Richard Dreyfuss), and a salty shark hunter (Robert Shaw) team up to stop and kill it.

What sets Jaws apart form any other film like it is the quality of it. The acting is excellent, as is the character interaction. Also, there is the intensity and scariness of the movie. Spielberg directs it to nail-biting perfection. Add in John Williams score, one of the greatest and most recognizable in horror history, and you have a perfect movie.

The movie was a HUGE hit and became the first summer blockbuster. It inspired three sequels:
Jaws 2- which is a good, solid film and can be seen as a slasher film with a shark
Jaws 3D- which is the first horror film I saw in the movies. I did see it in 3D and loved it. But, revisting it, minus the 3D, it sucks. But, Leah Thompson looks yummy. I'm not a shark and I wanna eat her!!!
Jaws: The Revenge- a godawful film that ranks as one of the worst horror sequels, EVER made!!!



Like any great film, it's been ripped-off countless of times. It, in fact, ranks as one of the most ripped-off horror films of all time. While some like Piranha (both the original and the remake), Orca, and Alligator are great most are complete and utter shit. Just look at SyFy who rape this movie all the fuckin time. The movie to the right, Italy's Great White, was such a rip-off of it, Universal took to court! Doh!

Like I said, I've loved this film since I was a child. Because of it, and my aforementioned love of sharks, I had lots of shark toys. I also owned and played the NES game which was total shit, but hey it was Jaws...

I have owned Jaws on LD and DVD, but the blu-ray is the best it's ever looked and sounded!! It looks brand new!! Amazing!! Great extra features, too!!! Go get this fucker now, if you ain't done so yet! It's one of the year's true most buy discs!! That does lead me to one thing, though: I had read in Horrorhound mag that the sequels were coming to blu-ray, as well. In fact, it stated that 3 was gonna be in 3D. Now, I don't own, nor will I ever own, a 3D blu-ray player or TV, but this would have been cool. Cooler, still if they did it with glasses like Friday the 13th 3D and My Bloody Valentine were released. As bad as it is; if they had done that I would've bought it! Just for nostalgia and the importance it has to both my childhood and horror fandom.

 

Regardless, Jaws remains one of the greatest movies ever made. To me, it is Spielberg's very best, a film I hold near and dear to my heart. And, one I know almost, by heart. If you fear going into the water, it's cause you know that big, bad shark is waiting for you... And, true fans of fear and great cinema wouldn't have it other way!! 

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3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy

Title: 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy
Director: Christopher Suen
Writers: Stephen Shiu, Stephen Shiu, Jr., & Mark Wu
Cast: Hiro Hayama, Saori Hara, Lan Yan, Yonni Lui
Min: 129 min

Wei Yangsheng (Hiro Hayama) falls for the stunning Tie Yuxiang. He wins her hand in marriage, but the sex they have is poor as he cums too fast. He tries to find more sexual gratification, but ends up losing her. He is determined to find the ultimate sexual pleasure, one that he can use on her. But, soon he finds himself in a shitload of trouble from the film's main villain.

3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy was a huge hit in it's homeland of China, where it out-grossed Avatar. I have never seen and really have no desire to see that Cameron movie. But, this one I been wanting to see since I first heard about it. I attended a screening, in 3D, last night and greatly enjoyed it.

Despite being over 2 hours long, you never feel it. Honestly, I was shocked to find out how long it was. The movie is such an honest-to-god good time that it feels much, much shorter. The plot is much more involved than you may think this type of movie would have. I tried to keep the plot details to minimum cause I think it's best not know much about it before going in.

It has quite a bit of action, but it's also really funny. And, it seems to not take itself to seriously. That said, there are moments of rape, torture, and violence, that give the movie the type of edge that only Asian cinema could have. There are amputations, decapitation, castration, and bloody squibs to keep the plasma flowing.

The CGI is OK, but it honestly fits the feel of the movie. While, the 3D isn't as good as as say Final Destination 5 it does add tremendously to the fun of it. Seeing a close-up of jiggling boobs in 3D is quite the happy experience!

Which brings me to the big question: is it sexy? Well, hells yeah, it is! There is a plethora of absolutely beautiful Asian women. All of them get naked at some part in the film. No Asian-genre porno that I have ever seen has this amount of spectacular boobs, all natural, by the way. I'm sure there is some record for that this movie set. Throw in lots of sex and some lesbianism and your dick will be quite happy.

The production value on the movie is beautiful with some gorgeous costumes and stunning sets. The acting ranges from adequate to good. And, the direction and editing is right on key.

Along the way I learned many important things like a chick with a dick (actually played a beautiful, real woman whose voice is hilariously overdubbed by a dude) can have a snake (literally!) like schlong, acupuncture needles can help you have hours upon hours of sex before coming (the girl involved in said scene, at your right, is my fav babe in the movie), and those with small dicks can get a dick transplant!

In the end, it all amounts to one of the year's most rightesouly fun and crazy movies. While, this movie would never be made by the US (a remake of this would be a true epic fail!), it is unquestionably THE best 3D release of the year. See it!

***1/2 out of ****

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Final Destination 5

Title: Final Destination 5
Director: Steven Quale
Writer: Eric Heisserser
Cast: Nicolas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher, Ellen Wroe, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, P.J. Byrne
Min: 92

Sam (Nicolas D'Agosto), who works alongside his best friend (Miles Fisher), in a paper company, has a vision in the bus as they are about to cross a suspension bridge heading off to a company retreat. Everyone, except his beautiful girlfriend (The Walking Dead's natural blonde hottie Emma Bell) dies horribly on the bridge, in said vision. He tells them, they got off the bus, and survive, for now... Soon, one by one they start to die in gruesome accidents. But, a new rule is added to franchise, if you kill someone you can take their life and thus death will skip you.

First off, this is a FD film, and as such it sticks to the material. No new ground is broken, although, the added rule is pretty cool. It is fairly interchangeable with the other entries as far as execution (pun not intended) and deliverance. But, the series fans know what to expect and this film delivers all of those accounts.

The opening accident is the best in the entire series since the second one's car crash scene. The 3D (something that started in the last one) is really cool, moreso in the aforementioned opening. As I may have said in the past, I am NOT a fan of 3D, but it works in this movie and makes it more fun. I recommend to see it in 3D. The death scenes themselves are wild and very gory. I liked all of them, but it's the beautiful Jacqueline MacInnes Wood who delivers the best death. It will make you think twice about getting lasik surgery!! It's quite simply a perfect mix of black humor and gore. Both the CGI and practical FX are good, so everything in that department just works.

The acting is decent enough. As always Tony Todd is great, while the rest of the cast is adequate enough. There also enough eye candy to keep your peepers happy. Bell is a beautiful real blonde, while Wood combines glasses and rocker babe for a particular delicious mix. Fellow Asian lovers will apperciate Chasty (Supernatural) Ballesteros in humorous but small role in an Asian spa scene.

The movie moves at nice, fast pace and is always entertaining and total good time to be had. The climax is particularly exciting. But, it's the ending that is the movie's best payoff, in particular to long time fans of the series.

Final Destination 5 is a highly enjoyable entry in the franchise and is superior to the last one (although, I like all the movies in the series). If your a fellow fan of these films, see it. If you're not this one won't change your mind.

***1/2 out of ****

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Now playing: Alice in Chains - Again
via FoxyTunes

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3D Porn at 2011 AEE

3D has been all over the media, whether it be movies, TV, gaming, etc. So, last month when I was in Vegas for the Adult Entertainment Expo, it was there, too. In fact between, CES (I didn't go there but having seen the first day of coverage on G4 of the event, before I headed to Vegas, I saw it mentioned there. Also, I talked to people while over there who talked to me about it) and AEE it felt like 3D had indeed taken over Sin City.

On a side note, my first time in Vegas, was the first time I had the chance to try out a 3D TV and video games. It was when me and a friend went in a store.

I won't tell you my thoughts on 3D in this report, as I would like to remain neutral in this post. Anyways, point is, I interviewed someone from Reel Interactive and got to look at some of the porn. It looked good, I must admit, and this is what he had to say.



So, I gotta know what your guys thoughts on 3D porn, if not 3D in general is. Leave comment (yes, you can comment anonymously if you so wish to do so) telling me your thoughts. I think this can lead to a real good discussion.

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Now playing: Dark Angel - Hell's On It's Knees
via FoxyTunes

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