The 10 Best Horror Remakes of All Time

This Friday one of my favorite vampire movies has a remake of it hit the theaters: Fright Night (Conan: The Barbarian also hits the movies, but while it's splatter it ain't horror, and I don't think of it as a direct remake). I am not very interested or excited about said movie since the trailer is less than underwhelming. But, I heard a good review or two. I'm not sure I will be seeing anytime soon (but I do wanna see Conan!).

That being said, remakes have been an annoying trend in the genre in the last couple of years. And, while many have been truly, truly rancid (One Missed Call, Psycho, The Fog, etc.) a couple have been been great. This list showcases the very best in the remake department.

10. House of Wax (2005)- This is an interesting remake in that it takes the Gothic setting and styling of the original Vincent Price classic and completely changes it for nasty slasher film territory. It's not a better movie, but is substantially different. There are a couple of memorable moments, include some tense torture scenes. The gorgeous Elisha Cuthbert also makes for a great final girl, one of the best of the 2000s for sure. Even Paris Hilton being in this does not hurt it one bit.




9. My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009)- Taking elements of the original (which really ranks as one of the best slashers of the 80s, moreso uncut) and adding its own take, this fun and wild gorefest is one of the most rip-roaring good times movie going experiences of the last few years. The cast and everyone involved seems to be having as much fun as we are watching it. It, more or less, kicked off the 3D trend, but unlike a lot of the recent shit out there, this one works excellently in 3D. Extra points for the DVD release being in 3D (and not that over-priced real 3D shit, either).


8. I Spit on Your Grave (2010)- This one had so much going against it. From the get go I did not think a remake to a nasty, grindhouse film like this could ever work today. But, it does, and surprisingly well at that. Sure it's slicker and lacks the grittiness of the original, but it does not lack the teeth. The humiliation/ rape is still prolonged and nasty. While, the revenge scenes are shocking and gruesome. Punches ain't pulled and the acting is solid, with villains coming off as utter filth and the stunning heroine earning our sympathy. The climax will have your jaw on the floor! Honestly this movie puts the Last House on the Left remake to fucking shame!


7. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)- This movie has been remade a total of four times!! The first three are solid films (the forth, er, not so much...), but, to me, this is the best take on the subject. The FX are flawless, the cast and acting excellent, and the directing top-notch. It's a little slow to start, but once it gets on track it's pretty suspenseful stuff. While, it maybe rated PG it still features some gooey and gross FX (moreso than ANY PG-13 movie of today and some R ones, as well!). Plus, the ending is fucking classic.



6. Halloween (2007)- Now, this is probably my most controversial entry in this countdown. Fans tend to either hate this one or love it. I fall in the later category. I think Zombie added an interesting take on the Myers mythos. Some may not like humanizing of him, but I think it was the right way to go. This way he does not retread territory that's been done before. When, he actually does get into remaking the original, he makes for a good time. The added more graphic violence fits the mold of this movie quite well. And, having Danielle Harris nude is nice, too! The less said of this movie's sequel, the better, though...


5. The Ring (2002)- This movie started the HORRIBLE trend of remake Japanese horror films as well cemented the annoyance of long, black-haired bitch-ghost movies. But, this one is actually that rarest of remakes, one that tops the original. I think the pacing is better here, as are the scares. It's also one of those few PG-13 horrors where the rating actually works. It's real creepy and scary, yet subtle. The lovely Ms. Watts is also a great lead in this movie. There are lots of memorable moments: the video itself, the horse, and the villainess coming out of the TV. But, once again, avoid the sequel at all costs!!!



4. Piranha 3D (2010)- If you though MBV3D was fun, then you ain't seen NOTHING yet!! Easily, THE best 3D experience, this wild, over the top remake tops the modest classic, it's based on. It's filled with blood rushing gore, black humor, cheese, a great cast, babes, and nudity. I like every single thing and frame from this movie. I am actually looking forward to the sequel to this one! The movie ripping it off/ cashing in on it (Shark Night 3D), eh, not so much...



3. The Blob (1988)- This long time favorite of mine simply blows the likable original out of the theater. It has some solid acting and spectacular gore FX. Shit, a kid even dies in it! Yet, it is never mean-spirited and always, always fun. It works in that Aliens sort of mode where action, sci-fi, and horror meld perfectly. Plus, Shawnee Smith looks sooo delicious in it! Cannot begin to tell you the crush I developed on her after this movie. It was a bomb when it came out, but due to fan and critic love, it when on the become a classic. An awesome movie all the way!!!



2. The Thing (1982)- John Carpenter's classic was also a bomb when it came out. But, since then this claustrophobic classic has been worshiped by fans all over the world. It would make for a perfect marathon with the aforementioned The Blob and Aliens. In fact, I think I need to do that one of these days!! Anyway, Bottin's FX are flawless, and Keith David and Kurt Russel are just awesome in it. So is the rest of the cast. That said the reremake coming out later this year seems positively uninteresting...


1. The Fly (1986)- David Cronenberg's masterpiece tops the list. It's always been my fav remake and will probably always be. Adding emotion and heart to the story and combining it with excellent acting and flawless FX make for a perfect film. The gore is gruesome and the score is classic. It also happens to be THE best beauty and the beast tale, since the original King Kong. Cronenberg's best movie is one that will always have a special place in my heart.




So, those are my choices. I really had to think about this one long and hard, but I soon found myself connecting with I ended up picking. Now, I'm curious. What are your thoughts on my list? What would have ranked?

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Revisiting Combat Shock

Director/ writer/ producer Buddy Giovinazzo's shocking cult classic Combat Shock remains one of the most nightmarish and shocking films of all time, even though it is now 25 years since it was released by Troma upon the world. It's nihilistic and gruesome power will shatter even the hardest of viewers. And, although, I had already seen it, it still struck me and struck me hard as a punch by Brock Lesner.

I first saw Combat Shock when I was in high school. I was very young at the time and the movie deeply disturbed and shocked me. I first heard about this movie was when I read about it in one of Chas. Balun's Gorezone columns. I clearly remember him mentioning that if you saw this movie with a girl, you weren't gonna get any afterwards. He wasn't kidding. This is one seriously nasty and depressing movie. You will feel like shit after watching it!

Anyway, I really figured it couldn't be that depressing. I mean look at the cover. It looks like some really kick ass action flick. I figured it's a Troma release and Chas. gave it his approval, it's prob some really bloody action flick. I'm a huge fan of action movies that get gory and bloody. At the time I loved (and I still love) stuff like Die Hard, Death Wish, and other shoot-em ups that let the blood flow freely, I figured this was like some Death Wish meets Rambo (two franchises I love) type flick. Man, that was mistake number two. Troma clearly wanted to sell it as an exploitation style action flick, which it ain't. In fact, said style of movie is as far from this film as you could get.

The movie opens up with our "hero" Frankie (Ricky Giovinazzo) in Vietnam (actually Staten Island). He guns down some pretty Vietnamese girl and soon wakes up screaming in the present. His pregnant wife is soon nagging at him that the toilet is broken and to get a job. Their Agent Orange mutant baby is wailing away. He heads out to unemployment where there is a long ass line. The day goes from bad to worse, as he talks to his estranged dad, sees coke addicted friend, is harassed by thugs he owes money to, sees an under-aged hooker, all while still being haunted by his past and tortured by his present living conditions. It all leads to one of the most jaw-dropping climaxes and endings in the history of cinema, that will haunt days afterwards.

If there are problems with the movie it's the budget. It's extremely low budget and cheap and it shows. But, at the same time it adds a feeling of sleaze and crudeness that works to its advantage, well at least some of the times anyway. The other major problem is the very slow pacing. Not much happens between the beginning and the climax. Which is further proof that the movie's poster was waaaay off.

The acting is good, though. But, let's be honest it's the gut punch that movie delivers that is it's strongest point. The FX are not the best, in particular the baby, which freaked me out when I was young. But, it looks really fake and cheesy in hindsight. The squib work is excellent and gory as fuck, though. And, the Nam flashbacks are filled blown up torsos and maggots.

One scene I simply could NOT watch as a kid was the coke fix scene. I hit the fast foward button (something I NEVER did or do). The dude uses a fucking coat hanger!!! The scene was said to have caused major walk outs during the original screening of the film. I was able to look at this time, but it is still fucking grotesque.

Nothing preceding the movie though prepares you for those last 15 min or so. I don't want to reveal them, because it would ruin the power of the moment. Some websites reveal it, I would rather you not know. But, I do want to make this clear, it is not for everyone. And, will test the limits of what you can take.

Revisiting it I liked it more, but this is not a fun movie. I didn't like it when I first saw (nor did I hate it). But, I think I appreciate more, now. I still am not a big fan of it, but I certainly understand it better. The most shocking moments of the film have lost NONE of their edge.

But, what is most "scary" is how more relevant it is today. With unemployment at all time high and so many of our young men and women coming back from the recent wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, it really hits harder than ever. It remains the single most harrowing Nam film, ever.

The DVD features the longer and more gruesome director's cut, AKA American Nightmares,(devoid of the tacked on war footage from the original release). That said the opening seems to drag more in this cut. The picture quality ain't the best, but extra features (which I am not done with) are excellent, though.

See it but only if you are truly, truly ready and prepared to see it.

*** out of ****

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Final Destination 5

Title: Final Destination 5
Director: Steven Quale
Writer: Eric Heisserser
Cast: Nicolas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Miles Fisher, Ellen Wroe, Jacqueline MacInnes Wood, P.J. Byrne
Min: 92

Sam (Nicolas D'Agosto), who works alongside his best friend (Miles Fisher), in a paper company, has a vision in the bus as they are about to cross a suspension bridge heading off to a company retreat. Everyone, except his beautiful girlfriend (The Walking Dead's natural blonde hottie Emma Bell) dies horribly on the bridge, in said vision. He tells them, they got off the bus, and survive, for now... Soon, one by one they start to die in gruesome accidents. But, a new rule is added to franchise, if you kill someone you can take their life and thus death will skip you.

First off, this is a FD film, and as such it sticks to the material. No new ground is broken, although, the added rule is pretty cool. It is fairly interchangeable with the other entries as far as execution (pun not intended) and deliverance. But, the series fans know what to expect and this film delivers all of those accounts.

The opening accident is the best in the entire series since the second one's car crash scene. The 3D (something that started in the last one) is really cool, moreso in the aforementioned opening. As I may have said in the past, I am NOT a fan of 3D, but it works in this movie and makes it more fun. I recommend to see it in 3D. The death scenes themselves are wild and very gory. I liked all of them, but it's the beautiful Jacqueline MacInnes Wood who delivers the best death. It will make you think twice about getting lasik surgery!! It's quite simply a perfect mix of black humor and gore. Both the CGI and practical FX are good, so everything in that department just works.

The acting is decent enough. As always Tony Todd is great, while the rest of the cast is adequate enough. There also enough eye candy to keep your peepers happy. Bell is a beautiful real blonde, while Wood combines glasses and rocker babe for a particular delicious mix. Fellow Asian lovers will apperciate Chasty (Supernatural) Ballesteros in humorous but small role in an Asian spa scene.

The movie moves at nice, fast pace and is always entertaining and total good time to be had. The climax is particularly exciting. But, it's the ending that is the movie's best payoff, in particular to long time fans of the series.

Final Destination 5 is a highly enjoyable entry in the franchise and is superior to the last one (although, I like all the movies in the series). If your a fellow fan of these films, see it. If you're not this one won't change your mind.

***1/2 out of ****

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Now playing: Alice in Chains - Again
via FoxyTunes

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Random Hotness X: Army of Hotness

It's a beautiful day here, in NYC, and to match it's beauty and make the last month of summer more pleasureful for us all, I give some stunning hotties for you to drool all over.

Ann Marie Rios- The beautiful Ms. Rios has been real, real busy! As some of you read last month, I posted an interview with the Latin beauty, that I conducted last last year. The coolest news for me this month concerning her is that GTXXXREME have named her the XXXTREME Starlet of the Month! She also one of the Latina hotties in Escaladies 2 from Digital Playground. It looks muy caliente!
For more on these and other Rios news go to her blog.
Alison Tyler- I only found about this naturally curvy cutie when I saw the KILLER trailer to Big Anal Booties. I'll be damned if this does not look like one of the hottest anal movies of the year!!! Holy fuck!!! I almost exploded just looking at the trailer!!
Tyler is simply delicious. She has a beautiful face and the kind of curves a man would die for! That ass is amazing! Can't wait to see it get fucked in this movie. And, those boobs are most definitely a gift from God. Dudes and dudettes, I might just be in love!!!
Bridgette B.- More Latin spice!!! This blonde goddess from Spain first caught my eyes when she was in the awesome Body Heat form Digital Playground. My God, she is so beautiful! And, very sexy, too!!
I really enjoy her performances and after following her on her Twitter, I see that she is also a sweetheart. A woman that is both beautiful inside and out. This was really proven to me when she tweeted yesterday, that instead of giving her gifts for her fans to donate to an animal charity. Gorgeous and she loves animals? She just completely won my heart.
Oh, and this vid from ZZinsider cemented it all!!!
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Sarah Vandella- I've liked this babe ever since I saw her for the first time on Deeper Throat. She is so cute and sexy! She has a beautiful face and body. I specially love her butt!! It's pretty amazing!
But, I don't she has ever looked hotter than she does in this trailer to another upcoming Reality Junkies release, Big Breasted Nurses Vol. 6.

Honest to God, if I was in the hospital I would LOVE to have her as my nurse!!! As a matter of fact, I am in pain right now. Nurse Vandella, please come and help me!! That said, does insurance cover heartaches caused by hotties?







Alex Sim-Wise- And, now for the only non-porn star in this edition of Random Hotness: Ms. Sim-Wise!!! I know this British red-head from Attack of the Show, of course.
Now, she may not have done porn, but she does cover sexy stuff on AOTS. She even went in an adult shop in Japan once!! She always wears THE hottest outfits on the show! No really. They are some of THE fucking hottest!!! No one on that show comes off as sexy and sassy as she does. I think she is much better than the overrated Sara Jean Underwood.
She has also posed nude and her God-given tits are incredible! And, they look amazing in or out of an outfit!!!

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The Master Does Las Vegas (Again) June 2011, Pt. 3

Monday was our last full day, so we had to make THE most of it! We hadn't hit the pool, just yet, so we had to that day. By the way, it bares mentioning, that we had a beautiful view of Vegas from our room. God, how I LOVE this place!!

Anyway, we had a quickie breakfast at Starbucks (mocha frap FTW!), and enjoyed it poolside. The Mirage pool is large and beautiful. Getting service is not easy, though, as I think they need more girls to work the pool area. The one servicing us, was pregnant and working her butt off. Come on, I know the economy ain't so hot in Vegas. Hire more girls and help the unemployed goddamn it!

Anyway, back to the pool. There is a huge sitting area, though sometimes it might be hard to find space. Get there early and try to get under the shade. Trust me on this one! The waterfall at the pool is gorgeous and is probably my favorite thing about it. There were some pretty girls at poolside and in the pool, itself. Including, at least one, who was coming out of her top!

In trying to figure what to do next Alan and I decided to hit the Auto Collection at the Imperial Palace. They have some amazing cars, including a shitload of Rolls Royaces. There ain't much more to say, so instead, here are just SOME of the many, many pics I took there:
We went back to the hotel to get changed for our final night in LV. I took one of the last looks at the strip that might have till next time. Breathtaking!

I decided to wear my Courtney Cummz limited edition(as in no longer available, sorry guys!) Two in the Shirt Tee. It felt like the perfect shirt for hitting the adult shop and a night on the town (it was!). By the way, this pic is the basis for my current Twitter avatar.

Matt and I hit the Brazilian steakhouse Samba in the Mirage, itself. The food, though, steap, is delicious and well worth the price.

Next it was off to the Adult Emporium on Tropicana Blvd. This 24 hour store has a HUGE sellection of great porn and adult toys. While, you can get better prices at most stores in NYC (moreso a few in Times Square and Union Square), I still found some nice deals including a great one on Bombshell Bottoms #4 from Vouyer Media starring, among others, Asa Akira. I been meaning to pick it up for a long time. I had been wanting to go to this store since my first trip. I recommend my fellow fans of adult cinema to give the place a look if you can.

The MGM Grand was our next stop. It remains one of my fav places in Vegas. I bring this mostly to mention that Rouge ,which I mentioned drinking with girl last year, was nice and quiet as I passed by. Conclusion: it's a great bar to hit with a girl, but moreso on the weekdays, not the weekends. It's too crowded and wild on the weekends, hence, you won't get to talk to her as well. Perfect on the weekdays, though. Oh, and I was once again reminded that New York, New York blows if your from the east-coast. They only thing they got right was the smell in the back of the hotel. It reminded me of smell of the Village in the summer!

We them hit our final destination for the night: Rockhouse. Recommended/ mentioned to me by friends, both female and one a Vegas regular, the other lived there at the time, it's a good nightclub. But, admit ably it ain't my scene or style. I'm more of a bar guy. Still, there were lots of cute girls in the club, though most came with guys or were not interested in hooking up with guys. If your a hot chick, I think you should totally hit it and enjoy yourself.

The next morning saw us waking up and getting ready to leave, but not before hitting B. B. King's for an awesome breakfast. Coffee and bacon, baby! The prices are nice and one of the girls who worked there, a blonde babe, who bought us our coffee, as well as took the pic of us to the left, was SMOKIN' hot!

And, then it was off to the airport to come back home. Unlike last time, I wasn't so much as sad to comeback as I was disappointed. I wanted to stay. To be honest, I would love to live in Vegas. But, as I have said in the past I will be back. Vegas has become my home away from home. I love it there, and like I said this has been my best trip there, yet. But, maybe I can top next time! Regardless, Vegas will always be home to some of my best memories. Until next time, good-bye my beloved Sin City!

Part 1
Part 2

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