My focus on horror for this month returns with this post as I look at one of horror longest, but admit ably crappiest franchises:
The Amityville Horror. In preparing to write this, I noticed that I, sadly, have seen all of them, expect
Amityville Dollhouse. Considering the level of shit of most of these, it's probably best to remain that way!
All reviews out of 4 stars.
The Amityville Horror- The 1979 original based on the Jay Anson best seller non-fiction book, later it was disregarded as what was probably a hoax, is a decent enough movie. Family moves into house, where a horrific murder in which a teenage killed his parents and siblings took place. Dad gets possessed by evil forces, shit moves
around, pig demons appear, tons of flies swarm, voices tell you to leave, etc. Which brings me to this: if a house tells me to leave, I fucking run the fuck out. Eventually walls bleed and slime is in the basement as shit goes from bad to worse. It's well acted but suffers from pacing issues and at times Brolin is a little over the top. Also nice: the side view of Margot Kidder's tits. Makes me jealous of Superman! Not the best film, but it has a place in the hearts of fans, myself included, more so due to it being on TV so much and me growing up on it.
**1/2
Amityville II: The Possession- The first one was a massive hit so, a sequel was bound to come. In this case, they made a prequel, one loosely inspired by the real life Defeo murders before the Lutz moved in. Teen kid gets possessed and turns bad, ends up killing family with shotgun. Criticized when it came out for being kinda in bad taste, by being based on a real tragedy, it garnered a fan following over the
years. It's still underrated though, but truth be told this is the best entry in the series. It also goes to places where no other mainstream horror franchise does, as he shotguns mom and pop and his little sis, and sleeps with his cutie teen sis played by Diane Franklin. Ms. Fanklin shows her boobs in a memorable, albeit quick and rather creepy incest moment. Sadly, it's mostly shit from here on in.
***
Amityville 3D- Paranormal investigators discover a shitty rubber demon living in the basement. I've never seen this one in 3D, but I don't know how much it would help if I had. This is a truly godawful piece of shit!! Fans of finding big actors in
crappy movies, will be happy to know that pretty Lori Loughlin
of
Full House and Meg Ryan is in this. But, I'm gonna be honest. I would rather watch this shit than
Full House or any or Ryan's chick flicks, so there is that bit of faint praise... OK, I'll add a little more, this is NOT the worst entry in the series! See I'm not that mean a guy.
*1/2
Amityville: The Evil Escapes- This made for TV shit (that phrase right there should tell you the level of crap you're in for here), is sometimes known as pt. 4. It should always be known as being utterly horrible. A family buys a lamp from that came from the evil house. Bad shit happens. By bad shit, I mean stupid and whimpy, as TV wouldn't allow the gore seen in stuff like
Supernatural or
Grimm back then. Aside from an off-screen encounter with the garbage disposal noting sticks in my mind about this other than I hated it.
*
Amityville: The Curse- Five idiots send the night in the famous house, in a movie a have no clue where it fits in continuity of the series. Though, does that matter in this series? No. In fact, this movie doesn't matter either. It's terribly boring and will curse you with the desire to go to bed. Or shut the the movie off, which is what I did. I have sat through some godawful movies, so for a film to make me shut it off means it's beyond awful. The worst entry in the series, that I have seen.
0 Stars
Amityville: It's About Time- Family has an old clock that came form the Amityville house. Directed by
Hellbound: Hellraiser II's Tony Randall, this is a very solid entry in the series. It's well made, has a nice pace, some really good FX and gore, and good acting. Among the cast is former scream queen cutie Megan Ward. The scene where she touches her boobies as she is taken over by the clock's evil was a highlight for me as a horny teen. Not a lie!
***
Amityville- A New Generation- A photographer ends up with a cursed mirror that came from... yup you guessed everyone's favorite house in Long Island: Amityville!! Despite having Terry O'Quinn, the
Lost/
Stepfather, himself, and a
topless Julia Nickson-Soul from
Rambo: First Blood Pt. II, this is a truly terrible and stupid piece of shit, unrated or R-rated versions. I used to think that this was the worst film in the series until I saw
The Curse. Still, thanks to the cast and tits and it gets a measly
1/2 a star
The Amityville Horror (Remake)- From producer Michael Bay comes this decent remake of the original. It adds some cool elements (LOVE the
Hellraiseresque Indian stuff) and solid acting from Ryan Reynolds and
Melissa George. George keeps her clothing on, sadly, but along with Rachel Nichols adds some nice eye candy. Not great and not better than the original film, but it is nicely made and entertaining. And, much better than either of Bay's other horror remakes:
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or
The Hitcher. **1/2
I hope you enjoyed this visit to Long Island's most infamous house. Remember that not only have I not seen
Dollhouse but
Amityville Tapes has yet to be released. That's probably better for us all!
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